The Worst Love.

 

So the other weekend I was with some friends eating Mongolian BBQ when one guy started talking about his wahine and how they’re pretty serious and all that jazz…

 

F.Bunch: Here’s the most important question…did she fart in front of you yet?

Him: No.

F.Bunch: Then you’re not ready to get married yet.

 

Everyone was laughing at my response, but I was being serious (well, 95.7% serious).  The point is not that exhaling from your large intestine is critical to matrimonial success, but rather that if you truly love someone, you will love the worst part of them and not just the best.  And if she does not feel comfortable cutting the cheddar within striking distance, then she likely does not feel ready to expose you to the areas of her life where her fears, insecurities and accumulated baggage rear their ugly respective heads.

 

Back in college a med student friend was telling me about a story she heard…

 

Her: This lady was giving birth and when her baby started coming out a worm started coming out of her butt!

F.Bunch: TWINS!

Her: If I had a worm coming out of my butt, the only person I would let take it out is my mom.

 

In her worst state, the only person she would let in is the one who holds unconditional love for her…

 

Many of you may find it extremely hard to believe, but I was quite a rascal when I was The Little Franksabunch™.  One day at church I discovered matches and made like a Marley and started burning like there was no tomorrow.  Except instead of marijuana I burned toilet paper, church bulletins, Sunday school materials, etc. 

 

The whole church went on a witch hunt after the janitor found the ashes in the garbage can and after someone ratted on me I was in the church parking lot with 30 people watching as my Dad yelled at me:

 

Dad: Did you do it? 

F.Bunch: No.

Dad: Tell me the truth!

F.Bunch: [Looking to the ground] Yes.

 

At this point I was expecting to get slapped, sent to boarding school or grounded until I was thirty.  But instead all the anger quickly drained out of my father’s face and he simply said, “Because you told the truth, I forgive you.”  I never played with matches ever again and quickly learned the lesson that love and forgiveness are stronger deterrents than loathing and fear.

 

I also learned that day that love is not about being happy, having fun or admiring someone’s best attributes or achievements.  It’s about loving them at their worst, because in this world while there are none that are infallible, there are also none that are undeserving of love.

 

It’s one of the many lessons you taught me that I still carry with me today, this 3^rd Father’s Day since you passed away.

 

Thanks, Dad.  Happy Father’s Day.  I miss you.

 

P.S.—To my single homies out there, this does not mean that you should fart in front of your wahines on the first date to test if she’s the one…wait a few months first!  Haha!

—-

Big MAHALOS to Angryasianman.com!!!  I won his drawing for a free Mighty Warriors of Comedy DVD (a documentary about the Asian comedy group 18 Mighty Mountain Warriors).

—-

Congrats to Petitkiu, Angelahappydot and Dehzep for correctly guessing my weight!  Most people who see me in real life think I’m around 180 but I’m actually 232.  It was funny to see how many people were afraid of offending me by guessing.  I’m not ashamed of my weight because I think that your state of health matters more than the actual # (BMI is overrated).  I have had patients who were my weight but had bellies the size of a small mammal, and I know that after all the years of hitting the gym (off and on), I’ve accumulated a lot of lean mass that will never allow me to be ~170, which is my supposed “ideal” weight.  My personal “ideal” weight is around 190-195, because that’s how much I was at my peak (strength, vertical, etc.), but it’s impossible to reach that in fellowship.  That being said, I do have too much around the middle and getting down to 205-210 would be ideal.  So let’s see how it goes!  Anyone want to join me in losing 10%?

 

Have a great week!

 

Edit:  The let’s get in shape (other than a big oval) challenge, with the goal to lose 10% of weight by Turkey day (or Xmas, if I’m not getting close by November…haha)!  I’m serious.  I’ll let you guys know how I’m doing. So far:

• soulful_enigma (altho you already have the abs of steel, woman! )
• jennie_nguyen
• huck_muleeva
• mizzaimilei
• walkingenglishgenerator
• winkish

The Franksabunch™ World News in Review.

(With apologies to SNL.)

The temporarily release of Paris Hilton from jail caused an uproar of Entertainment Tonight proportions with accusations ranging from bribery to special treatment of celebrities.  In response, Paris stated that she couldn’t understand why everyone was so upset because she did, after all, receive a longer jail sentence than O.J. Simpson.  And speaking of white broncos…

Despite graduating from the Naval Academy and law school, working as a personal injury lawyer, having a CDC TB specialist as a father-in-law, moving his flight to Europe earlier and then taking the airline industry’s version of O.J.’s white bronco flight to Canada and then driving to NY in an attempt to evade authorities, multi-drug resistant tuberculosis patient Andrew Speaker claims that he didn’t know that what he was doing was wrong.  Lawyers across the world were furious that Mr. Speaker provided a bad example for lawyers…by marrying the daughter of someone in the health field.  (On a side note, he better get checked for HIV, what is he doing with XDR-TB?)  And speaking of lawyers behaving badly…

The case of the travelling pants has a new twist.  District of Columbia lawyer and judge Roy L. “stands for loser” Pearson is still at it.  In an attempt to show the world that he is capable of charity, he decreased the amount he is asking the Chung’s from $67 million to $54 million for not having his pair of pants ready in time.  In return, the Chungs have offered Pearson an all-expense paid trip to North Korea, complete with a T-Shirt with the Target logo on it and a 3-day, 2-night camping trip in the DMZ.

Here’s your shirt, Roy, and some eggs to throw at Kim Jong-Il!

Louisiana democrat and congressman William Jefferson claims he is innocent of the bribery charges despite the Feds finding $90,000 cash in his freezer.  In response Jefferson claims that he was just saving the money to contribute to the Chungs’ defense fund.

Cindy Sheehan recently stepped down as the face of the anti-war movement…after realizing that Paris Hilton had stolen all of her press and that she could make $30,000 selling her ranch.  She then publicized that the next hypocritical movement she will lead is the Critical Mass bicycle ride the last Friday of every month in San Francisco.

China has been on the defensive ever since its export products–toothpaste, monkfish, pet food–have been blamed for killing people and pets in more than one country.  In a step to soothe public relations, Chinese officials have removed the “Buy Chinese…it’s to die for!” slogan from their advertisements and have promised free toothpaste to all foreign competitors in the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

Former Wham! (bam thank you, man) frontman George Michael recently got sentenced to community service and banned from driving the next 2 years after being caught driving under the influence of drugs.  The jury was split 60/40 over the defense’s claim that George, like most radio listeners, simply fell asleep when “Careless Whisper” started playing.    And speaking of gay men…

Isaiah Washington, who plays the I’m-too-sexy-for-my-O.R. cardiothoracic surgeon Dr. Burke on Grey’s Anatomy, did not have his contract renewed for next year, due to the tomfoolery that surrounded his use of a gay slur when referring to the actor who plays George the intern.  Sources close to Mr. Washington claim that it’s a cover up, and that the real reason why he is leaving the show is because he can’t handle listening to Meredith Grey’s (Ellen Pompeo’s) lisp anymore. 

Meredith: I love the tasssssste of thissss beer, it hassss a twissssst of lemon, and a wissssp of cinnamon crissssp!

The internet is still buzzing over an 11-yr-old boy’s killing of a monster 1,000 lbs. hog while hunting.  In completely unrelated news, Rosie O’Donnell has not been seen or heard from since leaving The View.  (Forgive me, I couldn’t help it.)  And speaking of 1,000 lbs. hogs…

It’s time to lose weight!

I was challenged that I could not lose 10% of my weight by December.  (If I do, that person has to stop drinking completely.)  She was shocked when she discovered exactly how much I weighed (and was very wrong in her guess).  Can you guess?  Here are two recent pictures of me:

 

A few months ago?  Wearing my Fear to Faith gear.

A couple weekends ago in Half Moon Bay.

So can you guess how much I weigh?  (Hint: I’m 6’1″ without my shoes on.)  Winner gets a free link!  (Although it’s not worth as much as a Cakalusa link, his link to my page a couple weeks ago led to 4,683,857.5 people coming to my page.)

Have a great week!  Eat your vegetables and use the green low sodium Kikkoman!  I’m out like grout!

Edit: Gabernaculum — I’d rather be caught in a porcupine’s embrace than in short shorts a la dazzey dukes.  Hint, tho…I always wear loose/baggy pants as an homage to Fu Schnickens-era hip hop, so my legs aren’t as chunky as they appear.  And Ricedaddy7′s guess is the closest when he says that “most of it’s muscle.”  Haha!

Edit#2: Beware the Ahjummah!  I stole this from W84meplease, it’s a video of an Ahjummah at a wedding (I won’t spoil the ending for you).  Remind me not to have any at mine!

That’s awesome!  Don’t mess with Korean women!  Bwa ha ha ha!

Wedding Traditions

 

So the other weekend I flew up to Portland to attend my friend’s wedding and visit two of my favorite places there, Saburo’s Sushi and Coffee People (their black tiger shake kills anything from Starbucks).

 

But you don’t want to hear about Saburo’s or Coffee People, do you?

 

It was a beautiful wedding and I’m elated for my friend and his new bride, but let me tell you, I’m a little tired of the same things happening over and over and over…  So here are some wedding traditions The Franksabunch™ would like to see tweaked (in no particular order):

 

The Bouquet Toss

When it’s time to throw the bouquet, the DJ needs to stop playing “Girls just wanna have fun” by Cyndi Lauper.  Not only does it remind me that I spent part of my childhood in the 80s (Reaganomics, where art thou when we need you?) but it also reminds all the bitter women that they’re not married yet.  In my early 20s it used to be a fun time with all the wahines prancing and giggling but as they get older they don’t want to go up and be put on display so all the aunties can try to play matchmaker.  A close 2^nd is the “Lady Marmalade” song from Moulin Rouge.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that song about prostitution/fornication?  Not the best message to send about the single ladies, eh? The bouquet toss should be like a bad first date…short, simple and with no memory of who was involved. 

 

The Electric Slide

I think this one goes without explanation.  Like Berkeley and men with long hair, the Electric Slide should have never survived past the 70s. 

 

Roasting the Bride

When I had to speak at my good friend’s wedding I was more petrified than a sober Keith Richards.  I was never one for public speaking and as one of the groomsmen making a speech I knew that I was under pressure to roast the groom, be funny and emotional.  (The only time I’m emotional is when someone takes the last piece of pizza.)  For bridesmaids they just have to be emotional.  Cry and everyone will think that it was the best speech since Honest Abe reunited the country.  I have never been to a wedding where the bride got properly roasted.  I don’t want to hear about late night slumber parties and prom, I want to hear the dirt!  Wedding roasts should be like an Ashlee Simpson concert…everyone is a victim!

 

Kiss Kiss

I’ve never been to a wedding in which both parties were not Asian, so I’m not sure if this is just an Asian thing, but you’re supposed to clink the silverware until the bride and groom kiss.  That’s weak!  As if they need to be encouraged to kiss.  They just got married!  At one wedding I went to people had to step up to the mic and sing a song with the word “love” in it to get them to kiss.  Now that’s more like it.  A wedding reception kiss should be like a kiss from The Franksabunch™…you have to earn it!  (Take note, those of you who will be coming to mine…20 years from now.)

 

The Banzai Toast

I don’t care if the closest thing to a Japanese person in the room is the frat boy with the kanji tattoo (that actually reads “I fart cheese”).  The banzai toast, along with a buffet, should be required in every wedding!

 

And on that note I’m out like the Utah Jazz soon will be….BANZAI!

—-

Speaking of weddings, congrats to SNOT and HeartlessAl for their recent weddings!!!

 

And for all you free music lovers, on Jin Tha MC’s myspace page go to his posts and there’s a link to legally download his “rain, rain go away” song dedicated to the VTech victims (it’s actually quite a catchy track).

 M.I.A.

Sorry for having less content in the past few weeks than a Lindsey Lohan movie.  Until my next real post, here’s something I found in NYC that you can buy to keep you company until The Franksabunch tickles your nose and warms your heart (barf) again…

I know you want one.  Admit it!

DingleClubber.

 

So the other weekend I was celebrating Cinco de Mayo at a Mexican restaurant filled with non-Latinos (go figure) and while I was chatting with my friend across the table this guy sat down to me next to the bar and proceeded to apologize. 

 

“I’m, so sorry, man, but there’s this guy that’s been following us around all ni…”

 

At that point this guy dressed in a cowboy hat (!), plaid shirt, leather jacket and blue jeans (he looked like a cross between Crocodile Dundee and Indiana Jones, minus the charm and swagger) and said, “so where are we going next?”  After a few minutes the original guy headed off again with his new buddy in tow.  The rest of the night he followed that group around, oblivious to their not-so-subtle ways of telling him to scat (everyone turning their backs to him when he was talking).

 

It’s the DINGLECLUBBER!!!!

 

You all know this guy…  For you fellas it’s the strange guy who introduces himself at the pub/club and then makes like white on rice.  For you wahines it’s the weirdo at the club who won’t stop following you around after you con him into buying you girls a round (be careful what you wish for, m’ladies).  Like a dingleberry, the DingleClubber is annoying, smells bad and spends all night hanging onto your okole.  And you don’t want to yell at him because that would only make you out to be the bad person. Well have no fear, my friends, The Franksabunch™ is here to save your night out from becoming the low-budget sequel to Single White Female.  Here are tips to get rid of the DingleClubber.  (Sorry about the crass analogy, I can’t think of anything sterile to compare this guy to.)

 

The Zebra Move

–You know how you see on the wildlife channel that whenever the lion is chasing the zebras one will make the stupid decision to separate out from the pack, thereby ensuring the fastest elimination this side of the Dallas Mavericks.  Someone in your party is just going to have to take one for the team by making the zebra move, taking the greasy lion away from the rest of your herd.

 

The Shadow Move

–What better way to get rid of the DingleClubber than by beating him at his own game?  Follow him around from behind, always keeping yourself in a position where you’re directly behind him no matter where he goes or which way he turns.  And giggle like a Japanese teenage girl while doing it. 

 

The Collateral Damage Move

–Me thunketh that this is what that miscreant had in mind when he sat down next to me. He wanted his DingleClubber to latch onto me!  Luckily the DingleClubber wasn’t afflicted with yellow fever and stayed with his 1^st victim.  Find that girl in the club that you know but don’t like and introduce the DingleClubber to her, or better yet…whisper in his ear that your non-buddy is single, desperate and likes guys who have reached level 60 on World of Warcraft. 

Do I make you randy? 

 

And if all else fails?

 

The Soccer Move

–Radjbo recommends that you give him a kick where his future children will feel it.  No further explanation necessary.  Disclaimer: The Franksabunch™ does not condone violence, unless it involves Pat Buchanan and a supersoaker filled with kim chi juice. 

 

Sorry, no time to come up with more tips.  Perhaps you can help out others with your suggestions!  Have a great week!

—–

And per request I’ve changed my profile pic to something more recent.  I’m wearing my Fear to Faith gear!  New line of stuff coming out soon!

 

Edit: For all you WoW haterade drinkers, here’s part of that South Park World of Warcraft video that came out a while ago…haha! (Watch out, there’s poop in it.)

Rain Check?

Sorry, homies, no time for a post this week.  In the meantime for your enjoyment, here’s a video that I can’t stop watching ever since hip-hopper showed it to me.  I wish I could move like that!

This week’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us:

The case of The Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants a.k.a Homie needs a new set of draw’s.

Roy L. Pearson is a lawyer-turned-judge who is suing the Chungs, a married couple who run several dry cleaning entities in the Washington D.C. area, for 65 MILLION dollars because they didn’t have his pants ready for him in time, despite their offer to settle the whole thing by giving him $12,000.  Among his reasons for the millons…he needs to get a car to find another dry cleaning business.

If you would like to contribute to the Chungs’ defense fund, you can go to www.customcleanersdefensefund.com Edit: The site is now up and running!

If you would like to get more details in a case Mr. Pearson has been involved in the past, you can go here to read about his divorce proceedings where he requested spousal support from his wife. (This is public information available on the Virginia court system website.)

If you would like to ask over online the Office of Administrative Hearings, where he works, any questions about the case, you can go to this website. 

If you would like to send Mr. Pearson any consolation gifts, such as 300 pairs of pants or a bucket full of common sense, to ease the pain of the case of the brotherhood of the traveling pants, the address and phone to the OAH can be found here.

If you would like to know why this man exists, you can ask Charles Darwin why his theory of evolution failed.

I read somewhere that the Chungs are now contemplating moving back to South Korea because of this man.

Edit: Let me know if anyone finds an online petitition or anything about this…

 

Booyakashaka.

I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted that my poem got as many comments as my accidental “fff” post below it.  Bwa ha ha ha!  I’m just kidding like Ryan Seacrest when he wears pants. To those of you who asked, sorry, haven’t had time to post more pics of my trip up yet!  Will get to it!

Three Kings.

 

[On my first day in NYC I was at Grand Central Station and was struck by this image of 3 homeless men sleeping in the middle of the food court, with everyone oblivious--or callous--to their existence.  I gave the remainder of a panini sandwich to another guy who was rummaging through the trash while everyone else walked on by jovially and then decided that during the rest of the trip I'd compose a little ditty for them...yes, I am dork like that.]

 

Now here is the story of The Franksabunch’s™ search for the soul of New York

(And I’m going to try to make it rhyme without sounding like a dork)

It starts here in this city whose tragedy made the nations weep

It starts here in Grand Central Station with three kings sitting silently asleep

 

In a city where a thousand different languages are heard every day

No one cares to listen to what these three kings have to say

In a city with thousands of manmade fires stretching as far as you can see

No one leaves a light on at home for any of these three

 

Pondering why I set out to find out the reason for these 3 kings’ existence

And found similarity in what should have been difference

I found that it is the diversity of loneliness that permeates who we are

Creating one million souls huddled so close yet living apart and far

 

One million souls from many different worlds and places

Still not a single smile can be seen on their faces

In subway stations, the trains or the luminous streets

Eye contact is treated like a tumble in Typhoid Mary’s sheets

 

How have we become so devoid of warmth, care and concern in this day

Where even the monuments seem to be running away

To see Lady Liberty you must pay a fee to reach a distant shore

As if to remind us that freedom is not so free here anymore

 

But perhaps it is so because of what has been lost

Love, you see, always comes at a great cost

And with all those who died when the terrorists left their mark

Keeping out others is an easy way to keep out the dark

 

Yet there is more to this city than such a sorrowful sound

This is also a city where strength and pride abound

Where a simple promise brings architects, professors and engineers

To this foreign place to peddle their childrens’ futures in buttons, peanuts and beers

 

A place where heroes were born and died on the very same day

A place where our sorrowful hearts will eternally rage to stay

A place where one million souls raise their fists amidst the fear

That despite your greatest evil we are still here

 

And for all my search to find what the soul of New York could be

I did not need to look much further than these kings numbering three

For it is the Morlocks–and not the Eloi–that define every nation

It is not the rich, but rather the poor we see here in grand central station

 

They have been broken and beaten but are still here surviving

For in this city dreams are always growing and hope is always arriving

So you can tear up the earth and you can bring down the sky

But we are New York…and we will remain standing until the day we die.

—-

Okay, no mo’ cheezey poetry.  Back to prose (after some pics) next time.   Have a great week! 

And CONGRATS to UH who had 5 players drafted to the NFL!  Only 5 colleges had as many or more players drafted than UH!

fff