May 29, 2007
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Wedding Traditions
So the other weekend I flew up to Portland to attend my friend’s wedding and visit two of my favorite places there, Saburo’s Sushi and Coffee People (their black tiger shake kills anything from Starbucks).
But you don’t want to hear about Saburo’s or Coffee People, do you?
It was a beautiful wedding and I’m elated for my friend and his new bride, but let me tell you, I’m a little tired of the same things happening over and over and over… So here are some wedding traditions The Franksabunch™ would like to see tweaked (in no particular order):
The Bouquet Toss
When it’s time to throw the bouquet, the DJ needs to stop playing “Girls just wanna have fun” by Cyndi Lauper. Not only does it remind me that I spent part of my childhood in the 80s (Reaganomics, where art thou when we need you?) but it also reminds all the bitter women that they’re not married yet. In my early 20s it used to be a fun time with all the wahines prancing and giggling but as they get older they don’t want to go up and be put on display so all the aunties can try to play matchmaker. A close 2nd is the “Lady Marmalade” song from Moulin Rouge. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that song about prostitution/fornication? Not the best message to send about the single ladies, eh? The bouquet toss should be like a bad first date...short, simple and with no memory of who was involved.
The Electric Slide
I think this one goes without explanation. Like Berkeley and men with long hair, the Electric Slide should have never survived past the 70s.
Roasting the Bride
When I had to speak at my good friend’s wedding I was more petrified than a sober Keith Richards. I was never one for public speaking and as one of the groomsmen making a speech I knew that I was under pressure to roast the groom, be funny and emotional. (The only time I’m emotional is when someone takes the last piece of pizza.) For bridesmaids they just have to be emotional. Cry and everyone will think that it was the best speech since Honest Abe reunited the country. I have never been to a wedding where the bride got properly roasted. I don’t want to hear about late night slumber parties and prom, I want to hear the dirt! Wedding roasts should be like an Ashlee Simpson concert…everyone is a victim!
Kiss Kiss
I’ve never been to a wedding in which both parties were not Asian, so I’m not sure if this is just an Asian thing, but you’re supposed to clink the silverware until the bride and groom kiss. That’s weak! As if they need to be encouraged to kiss. They just got married! At one wedding I went to people had to step up to the mic and sing a song with the word “love” in it to get them to kiss. Now that’s more like it. A wedding reception kiss should be like a kiss from The Franksabunch™…you have to earn it! (Take note, those of you who will be coming to mine…20 years from now.)
The Banzai Toast
I don’t care if the closest thing to a Japanese person in the room is the frat boy with the kanji tattoo (that actually reads "I fart cheese"). The banzai toast, along with a buffet, should be required in every wedding!
And on that note I'm out like the Utah Jazz soon will be....BANZAI!
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Speaking of weddings, congrats to SNOT and HeartlessAl for their recent weddings!!!
And for all you free music lovers, on Jin Tha MC's myspace page go to his posts and there's a link to legally download his "rain, rain go away" song dedicated to the VTech victims (it's actually quite a catchy track).
Comments (68)
The clanking of silverware on glass for a kiss is not an asian thing. Funny, I only saw it a mixed weddings so I thought it was an american thing =D
Here's another thing, after the first two waves of weddings, people should have more unconventional weddings. BBQ weddings on the beach, destination weddings, weddings under the star, etc...=D You know, give it a spin. How about at your alma mater's football field!!
banzai...BANZAI!!!!
banzai...BANZAI!!!!
banzai...BANZAI!!!!
I could give or take on the banzai, but when you said roast the bride? All I could think of was Rachel McAdams horrible roast of her sister in "Wedding Crashers" and so perhaps not.
I like the kiss kiss though, it's cute.
All in all? The biggest thing to remember is that Reagonomics was awesome.
I say click the glasses, let the bride and groom make out for about 5 minutes till they get so horny they'll have to ditch the entire occassion to retire to their suite, and roast the parents! Literally!
getting married itself is itself a cliche.
hey... what's wrong with the electric slide!!!
An entertaining post as always; glad to see that the Franksabunch column machine is back!
Some others you may have missed: 1.) Assigned seating - Aside from the special tables for intermediate family members, people should sit wherever they want. Seating charts are for elementary school. Why am I never put next to the hot chick? The last time I was in a wedding ( last month ), I was placed next to a bunch of old people. 2.) This is a Chinese thing...but, there's just never enough Shark Fin Soup. I estimate I'll only have Shark Fin Soup maybe a dozen times in my life, so having it served in tiny little bowls once every couple of years just sucks. It's the greatest soup ever. I'd gladly sacrifice one of the appitizers for another hit of Shark Fin soup. 3.) The Nacho Cheese Fountain. In the movie Talladega Nights, John C. Riley's character had a nacho cheese fountain in his wedding. Why the hell is this not a reality?
"A wedding reception kiss should be like a kiss from The Franksabunch™…you have to earn it! (Take note, those of you who will be coming to mine…20 years from now.)"
Haha...aww. =)
We do the song thing here. The last wedding I was at, my baby brothers actually, I serenaded them with "Ring of Fire". The glass clinking annoys me. I don't mimd the making out, just the constant clinking noise. And the handing back of keys, where women have to give back the house key to the groom. The groom gets $20 per house key. OH. One wedding thing that pissed me off enough to actually leave until the dance started: they auctioned off which tables got to go first through the buffet first, secocnd etc. The tables had to pony up a min of $100, and outbid all the other tables. I found that to be tacky and un-necessary. I think the dollar dance is cute. I will never, ever again do that cattle call line up called the bouquet toss. The last one, I was forced, literally, and it was akward as hell. Wow. I've been to wayyyy too many weddings.
you've done it again....another intersting post
i go. i eat. i leave. lol.
i will make sure i won't play girls wanna have fun at my wedding
I wanna hear about Saburo's Sushi and Coffee People. Then again, food and coffee are my greatest loves.
I loved this post, though. Gotta agree with most of it. Though I do have a funny story about that glass clinking deal. At my mom and step-dad's wedding, my step-dad's brother-in-law (his sister's husband, my mom doesn't have brothers) decided to start things off. I watched with bemused horror as he picked up a butterknife and tapped the edge of the blade against the thin glass globe of his empty wine glass. All we heard was *clinkclink* PA-CHAWW!!! *tinkletinkle* as the glass shattered.
He's portuguese.
BANZAI FTW!!
eek. bouquet tosses can be nasty. lady-like manners are totally out the door.
all of those traditions are common in any wedding. Here's one for ya, though. The bridal dance.
I'm pretty sure that's not common to many weddings, except those that can be considered "redneck" although, I think it might also be a greek tradition, so I don't mean to offend anyone.
that's where everybody pays a dollar (or more) to dance with the bride. you can dance as many times as you want, as long as you pay at least a dollar. you're supposed to tie the dollar into as many knots as you can, and the bride and groom are supposed to spend their wedding night untying the knots to count their money.
at the end of the bridal dance, all the bridesmaids are supposed to circle the bride and "protect" her from the advances of the groom. Meanwhile, the groom is having to fight his way to the bride through the throng of groomsmen.
it's really quite a spectacle. At my sister's wedding, the groom was none too happy about this game because he had never heard of it before. He was pretty ticked off by the time the bridal party gave up because he wasn't being any fun.
so yea...I think every wedding has it's own silly traditions, but that's also what makes them so fun
at least they didn't make ya'll do the chicken dance!!
when do we get pictures of you all fancied up??
lol i'm tired of the same crap too
i say, there shall be no more weddings
Haha... yes, the electric slide should die.
Was it just me, or was the "Banzai!" clip from Teen Titans? Sounded like Robin. I should just get my geeky self out of here, before I get covered in tomatoes...
oh snap! Frankie you have no idea how much i LOOOVE the electric sliiiide.
The Bouquet Toss...should be the bouquet hit. The bride has a bat. The bridesmaid throws the bouquet and....need I say more?
The Electric Slide and The Macarena should be banned. Oh, and the "Two Hops this Time...now Cha Cha real slow".
Roasting the Bride speech should be honest..."I'm glad you're here, but I'd be happier if you were gone so we can go get our sexy time on."
This post is like an SAT test-- full of similes, but not answers.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
I don't have your gift with the art of the simile.
ryc: I think we're okay now. Thanks for the concern, though.
The Tex 'rents bailed him out with a loan.
as long as the food be grubb'n, all that you listed above can be forgotten.
I'm always down for sushi!
The last wedding I went to, we had to answer trivia of the couple to get kisses. However, those questions were mainly softball ones...
=P welcome back. yeah, all of your wedding complaints sound valid to me. now if just more grooms would give their input on the actual formation of the wedding - stomp hard on the bridezilla' tails and inject some fun~ i actually plan to throw someone into the nearest body of water on my wedding <3
ryc: thanks for the well wishes. hopefully i did well..
ah, weddings. our family does this thing where we tie a chery to a string and dangle it in front of the bride and groom to see who gets to it first. it's really funny when there's a huge height difference between the bride and groom.
the bouquet toss song should be "move, b*tch, get out the way"
now that's comic relief
i want my franksabunch kiss!! banzai from tw....
RYC: Haha, I know what you mean. Sometimes I'm afraid to touch stuff like that on my site for fear of screwing it up permanently, but as a future graphic designer I get uncontrollable urges to make things pretty.
Hahahaha!!! So true about the electric slide. That has GOT to go. And any other versions of it. It's ridiculous how many of them are...at least in the Filipino parties I end up going to.
weddings are a double emotion for me...i hate and love them haha
ps- there is NO electric slide when im at the banquet...i do the booty shake and get the girls to drop it like its hot hahaha
we did the theme from Hawaii 5-0 and NY-NY, oh! and SHOUT
i hear the bells.... i hear the bells!!!!
that's cute! knowing that guys think about their weddings too
when you wrote "clink the silverware" I read "chink the silverware"
Oh that native tongue
you forgot the first dance, cake cutting, father daughter dance, slideshow and family introductions! can you tell i'm in serious wedding planning mode? somehow i said yes to coordinate 4 weddings in a three week time period = we'll see if i survive past july.
i love love LOVE saburo's. where is coffee people?
Heh, when I recently bought my bonzai I had to restrain myself from screaming out "BONZAI!" and seeing if the guy selling it would yell along w/ me (even if it meant just to seal the deal on the sale)
I've seen the worst bouquet toss
No one wanted to get out of their seats
the bride just held the bouquet and looked at her guests helplessly
The MC almost had to beg girls to go out
at last, a handful went out and stood and the bride toss and they picked it up reluctantly.......
OMGOSH I LOVVVE the Electric Slide!!!
*boogie woogie woogie!*
ALL NIGHT LONG! =P
I tried to get you to come to a Caucasian wedding with me years ago, remember that? Le sigh, the beginning of our stalking relationship. I remember it fondly.
hahah i like your kiss idea
ryc: yes. Keira Knightley = hawt. haha
The roasts at my wedding sucked. I actually can't remember what was said because it was that unmemorable. At least my sister could have said SOMETHING nice. And I didn't have dancing at my wedding but I totally would have had the cha cha slide. Why? Because dancing in groups is fun. And I probably would have had the electric slide too. So take that! But I saw the greatest video of a wedding where the wedding party danced to Thriller. It was totally awesome. That was probably the best wedding ever.
lol
what, no chicken dance???!!!!
omg, the electric slide. oy vey. sooooo true. people need to be a little more creative. when one of my friends got married, she made the guys catch bouquet. it was hilarious seeing a huge group of guys tackle each other for it.
I am soooooo glad we flew to Las Vegas from Seattle and did the drive-through wedding thing at the Little White Chapel, then went and ate (rather, did not eat) bad shrimp at a Wolfgang Yuck restaurant. Then we flew back to Seattle from Lost Wages on the same day. Can't stand the smoking and the filth there. We did the unconventional thing because we're both unconventional. Did you know an Elvis impersonator wedding can cost upwards of $1000?! And the drive-thru thing was misleading. We had to get out and walk in because the drive through window was closed.
$70 wedding license at City Hall
$100 Generic Wedding Service at the Little White Chapel
$100 videotape and photos of the service
$100 tip to their antique fragile little grandma organist who was really cute.
They charge for fake plastic/cheesey "silk" flowers to rent and everything else you can imagine. We even used frequent flier miles so each plane ticket was just a $5 processing fee. $1 played in the slots led to $40 and neither he nor I are gamblers and we can't stand the smoke there so it was get dressed & fly down and back for one day. We did have formal wedding portraits done in Seattle after we were married... wearing what we both wore the day we married.
As a lilywhite sun-hypersensitive natural blonde with a huge family history of melanoma, I happen like the rain here because it keeps my okole from getting sunburned. It's actually way drier here than it was when I lived in Seattle. Portland is definitely more like NorCal. I like the San Juan Islands in Washington State, too. I don't think I could live in the desert. I have family who do, in SoCal and other Southwestern States, it's ruggedly beautiful, but I like the water, and the rivers, and the mountains and the trees and greenery here. No snow, at least not at the living elevations, but there's always snow on the Cascade Range. I like that we have a 180-degree view of the mountain range from our livingroom window!
HAhah omg---i just went to a wedding a couple weeks ago and they played the cyndi lopper song!!! (i caught the bouquet, no not because i want to be married next, but because i grew up with an older brother who made me play football hahah) And thats true, the groom always gets super roasted--but people lay off of the bride...
i have yet to attend a wedding. invite me to yours! =]
Hey, random xangan here. This post made me laugh out loud... but I have to say, how can you not like the electric slide?! I mean... it's electric! Boogy oogy oogy! It comes nowhere near the level of awesomeness of my personal favorite wedding dance, however; one that's common around the Pittsburgh area... the Pennsylvania Polka. Ha.
Man, have not been to a wedding in a while... okay well I have, but there was karaoke at the reception.
Man, have not been to a wedding in a while... okay well I have, but there was karaoke at the reception.
Good lord... 20 years from now? Do I need to intervene and find you a match? That's my secret power....
Hahaha Frankie, I can't wait to see how your wedding would be like. For some reason, none of my friends are getting married so I haven't been to many wedding to know about all these funny events.
I would like to get rid of the groom removing his bride's garter.. That should go the way of the electric slide.
Christy
chinese wedding: eat. dance. eat. eat. dance. perverted games between the bride and groom. eat. everyone drunk by now. dance.
lol, i'm going to go over my future wedding with you to make sure that i don't screw anything up by your standards!
"welcome to franksabunch" that's so cute!
Heyy yess--I actually JUST graduated 2 weeks ago! My dad is better now, thanks ^^ He had a heart attack which was very uncharacteristic of his body but now is better.
And yeahh Hawaii was beautifulllllllllllllllll...u have a lovely home--great weather, great people, great food, and lots of room for adventure! U live in Cali now right?
oHer, nice post! =)
Firstly, from my wedding experiences (which are pretty much all asian), I've yet to see a 'Bouquet Toss'. My sister did consider doing it... but the bouquet looks sooo nice and it costs so much she didn't end up tossing it hAHa!
Secondly, I had no idea what 'The Electric Slide' was until I watched that youtube clip. Maybe it's an Aussie thing (or maybe it's just me) but that's just like line dancing! And line dancing is popular with the OLD ASIAN AUNTIES & UNCLES who like to socialise and 'exercise'. I think it was 'revived' quite a few years back in Singapore...
Thirdly, yes... 'Roasting the Bride' doesn't happen alot BUT it does happen. I think it depends on who does the roasting and how well the Bride will take it. Just remember, the Bride will be extremely fragile and emotional on the day/night so 'Roasting the Bride' could very well bite you in the ass.
And fourth.... I've never heard about clinking silverware to get the bride and groom kiss. Don't they already kiss at the ceremony? -shrugs-
Last of all, the 'Banzai Toast'... which almost always happens at my family weddings (it's a SE Asian thing?). We don't 'Banzai' though, we shout out a loooooooooooooooong "YUuUuuUUUUMmMMm SENG!!!!" =P
I answered this on my site but I'll put it here too.... =)
I have to replace my nunchucks b/c the last ones I had were stolen, so after I get more I'll consider doing a video for ya hahahah
I never felt comfortable about the garter toss.
:/
P.S.: Dude, I see you in almost everyone's xanga comments. You're everywhere!
RYC: Thanks! But nope, it actually wasn't a mission trip... I was visiting a good friend from college, who's in the Peace Corps in Mozambique.
ive NEVER seen a bride get roasted. is this common?!
i LIKE clinking my utensils on my cup to make them smooch!
THANKS A LOT for answering my email.
cool cool. now i know what to bring.
yeah the cling is a little odd
I completely agree with the Bouquet Toss. LOL. I don't remember what songs have been played but I HATE IT. It's awkward, painful and embarrassing. I've sidestepped from the bouquet, hid behind other single girls, and just don't move from my spot, way, way in the back. And I'm attending another wedding this Oct...great...
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