May 16, 2013
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Letting Go
One of the worst things you can experience as a parent is not being there for your child when he needs you. While consumed by the OCD madness that is the Black Hawk helicopter parenting of an infant, it is quite easy to forget what it is like when you and your child are separated. All those moments of shopping (for him, not us), prepping, feeding, changing, Disney-esque facial contortions, nonsensical jibberish-speak (by parents with graduate degrees, imagine that) filling the here and now made those few days watching him in the NICU after he was born a distant memory. Why worry about what you cannot do for your child while you are actually doing everything for him?
Currently my wife and son are in Korea, spending an extended time with her parents. The best moment of every day–seeing the flash of recognition in my baby’s eyes before he smiles at me–is quickly followed by the worst, when I cannot return that affection by picking him up and smashing his cheek with a kiss. My heart breaks when I see him reach out for his father, only to find a cold, artificial iPad in his grasp. It is in these moments that I am wrenched back to the NICU, being able to watch him, to tell him that I love him, assure him that his daddy is here but rendered unable to do anything beyond that.
The space between you and your child–whether physical or wrought through disagreement–will always be too large, too deep and too wide.
As parents we always want to be there for our children, but sooner or later there will come the day when we cannot. We have to let go, not of our love, but of our ability to be the same mothers and fathers we were when they were precious newborns.
One day he will go off to college. One day he will get married and have a family of his own. One day his physical and intellectual strength will surpass my own and he will no longer need me to care for him. And, finally, one day I will die and the only care I provide for him that will continue will be that which has already been embedded in his heart. My love will be the only lesson that remains.
And it is that very last thing which gives me hope and comfort. For while love endures, all else shall pass, all else shall fade into inconsequence and all else shall not cross over to the other side. Letting go does not mean I am going anywhere but here.
I miss you, my son. Daddy will always be here for you, even when my time on this earth has come to an end.
Comments (11)
when are they returning??
@korean_biyatch - Ack, not until after memorial day.
You are the sweetest father.
oh frank, you made me cry.
that was the loveliest thing i’ve read in a long time. it’s sad not many people write on xanga anymore. and it goes by toooooo fast! i cannot believe that isla’s 4! i remember when she was born a month premature! now we fight cuz she’s telling me she doesn’t like the SOCKS I CHOSE!!! sigh. i remember when she just made funny noises. hehe https://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=vnMMfzHos5Q&feature=endscreen
it was just me and isla alone in london for 4 weeks before we came out to beijing. then william was in the states for 2 weeks too so isla was tired of just being with umma. xx
william and i say that’s why people keep having new babies- to be the everything to their precious newborns.
big hugs to u, being all alone without your babies.
what an amazing father you are.
i love this song… david crowder band is one of my faves.
you are an awesome dad. and your son is super lucky to have you as a father.
love.
they should be back soon, yes??
or they’re back, right?
@angelahappydot - Picking them up in 11 hours! =D
yea!!! very happy for u3!!!