May 14, 2007
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DingleClubber.
So the other weekend I was celebrating Cinco de Mayo at a Mexican restaurant filled with non-Latinos (go figure) and while I was chatting with my friend across the table this guy sat down to me next to the bar and proceeded to apologize.
“I’m, so sorry, man, but there’s this guy that’s been following us around all ni…”
At that point this guy dressed in a cowboy hat (!), plaid shirt, leather jacket and blue jeans (he looked like a cross between Crocodile Dundee and Indiana Jones, minus the charm and swagger) and said, “so where are we going next?” After a few minutes the original guy headed off again with his new buddy in tow. The rest of the night he followed that group around, oblivious to their not-so-subtle ways of telling him to scat (everyone turning their backs to him when he was talking).
It’s the DINGLECLUBBER!!!!
You all know this guy… For you fellas it’s the strange guy who introduces himself at the pub/club and then makes like white on rice. For you wahines it’s the weirdo at the club who won’t stop following you around after you con him into buying you girls a round (be careful what you wish for, m’ladies). Like a dingleberry, the DingleClubber is annoying, smells bad and spends all night hanging onto your okole. And you don’t want to yell at him because that would only make you out to be the bad person. Well have no fear, my friends, The Franksabunch™ is here to save your night out from becoming the low-budget sequel to Single White Female. Here are tips to get rid of the DingleClubber. (Sorry about the crass analogy, I can’t think of anything sterile to compare this guy to.)
The Zebra Move
–You know how you see on the wildlife channel that whenever the lion is chasing the zebras one will make the stupid decision to separate out from the pack, thereby ensuring the fastest elimination this side of the Dallas Mavericks. Someone in your party is just going to have to take one for the team by making the zebra move, taking the greasy lion away from the rest of your herd.
The Shadow Move
–What better way to get rid of the DingleClubber than by beating him at his own game? Follow him around from behind, always keeping yourself in a position where you’re directly behind him no matter where he goes or which way he turns. And giggle like a Japanese teenage girl while doing it.
The Collateral Damage Move
–Me thunketh that this is what that miscreant had in mind when he sat down next to me. He wanted his DingleClubber to latch onto me! Luckily the DingleClubber wasn’t afflicted with yellow fever and stayed with his 1st victim. Find that girl in the club that you know but don’t like and introduce the DingleClubber to her, or better yet…whisper in his ear that your non-buddy is single, desperate and likes guys who have reached level 60 on World of Warcraft.
Do I make you randy?
And if all else fails?
The Soccer Move
–Radjbo recommends that you give him a kick where his future children will feel it. No further explanation necessary. Disclaimer: The Franksabunch™ does not condone violence, unless it involves Pat Buchanan and a supersoaker filled with kim chi juice.
Sorry, no time to come up with more tips. Perhaps you can help out others with your suggestions! Have a great week!
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And per request I’ve changed my profile pic to something more recent. I’m wearing my Fear to Faith gear! New line of stuff coming out soon!
Edit: For all you WoW haterade drinkers, here’s part of that South Park World of Warcraft video that came out a while ago…haha! (Watch out, there’s poop in it.)
Comments (63)
The older i get, the more i want to employ Radjo’s method of pest management. I don’t think it’s respectful of guys to do that to some poor girl all night long and quite frankly if the guy’s not only persistant but trying to feel you up my motto becomes “you touch me, i get to hit you back..GGRRRRR..”.
hahaha – the shadow move works. It’s also fun if you add “does this make you uncomfortable,” as you point at their back, and continue following them around… not that I know from experience or anything
This made me think of some “prep” work my friends I did before heading off to school… “if this happens, you should… if that doesn’t work…”
Zebra move all the way. Whoever draws the short straw, and buy him a drink later for being a good sport.
LOL love the world of warcraft comment. i hate that dumb game that all the guys are obsessed with.
Hahahah just one of the reasons I don’t like clubs anymore. I always get weirdos latching on to me, like the guy who just would NOT comprehend that when I said, “I am NOT coming back to your hotel room with you” it means “don’t even ask you creepy little leach, my mind is already made up – now quit drooling on my shoulder!!!” Nope, he didn’t get it. Before that my friend and I were sitting around and a couple of older guys sat near us and started talking. I guess were just just naive and nice (this was in NYC) because we chatted back all friendly and small-town-girl-like. After a while I realized the grandpas, or at least one of them, were trying to hit on us. EEK! Then you may recall Ziggy, the guy with the freaky big nose from Germany who followed me around China Club all night long as if I was his possession to guard, standing far enough away that I could interact with others but close enough to keep an eye on me.
Weirdos…
thank goodness i’ve personally never come into contact with a dingleclubber. though i do know some friends who actually are one. though not as desperate as this guy sounds.
*mental note* Never con a guy into buying a round of drinks because he may latch on for dear life. Thanks for the advice! By the way, nice profile pic. You are actually smiling in this one! You have a pretty smile. Hmm…pretty? You have a nice smile.
that’s why i’m not a club scene person. i would just beat the crap out of some guy following me.
One thing works also is: Wait until said DingleClubber goes to the WC, then scram outta there like something’s about to blow
I’ve never met any DingleClubbers!
Haha, reminds me of that Corona commercial that takes place in an Irish bar in Ireland…but the people inside (non-Latinos) were celebrating Cinco de Mayo…
Did you ever visit Boston? If so, hope you had fun!
i’ve never met any DingleClubbers either…but if by any chance I do, I’d do the Soccer move.
another genius post.. LOL..
ryc: Live It!!!!!!
you’re the best dude.
man, when i read dingleclubber, i thought you were in the MEAT district, if you get my drift… har.
I apologize on behalf of all the dingleclubbers out there.
LOL Your posts always make me laugh. I’ve only been clubbing once and really disliked it. Boys are such dogs! If only I had known a few of these moves in advance.
My WoW-gaming friends won’t like this blog. Lol.
I can’t read the Faith to Fear shirt, but it works fine.
tell him to get a clue and friends
hey frank, since i was at centro cocina with you….was this what happened when the guys sat down by you for like 2 minutes?! did i witness this??
Dingleclubber – so that’s what they are called. You crack me up, Frankie. When are you visiting SF/SJ again?
HAHAHAHHA to jeannys comment LOL i was thinking the SAME THING! shoot, i gotta upload and send that pic on my camera to you…
in the crotch
lol sucks
dingleclubber?! hahaha, i always learn something new from you!
LoL!!!
ryc: I am proud of you, but remember I am the only Haole you get to love and dote on.
Per your post, we had a couple of those this trip, evil eyes from all 6 of us and they left.
EEEK, poor guy needs something productive to do. =D
LOL!
Before I met my handsome Chinese husband, I always wore my Grandma’s wedding band and diamond as a “Geek” (DingleClubber) Repellant. Sometimes it worked really well, other times… well… suffice it to say there are sexually aggressive white men out there (probably the majority of DingleClubbers!) and it’s always instant jerks, just add alcohol with the white men and then they are all over me like, uh, white on me(?)… I’m sober, kept an eye on my drink & purse and go with friends. I had one guy follow me to my car and that scared me into taking martial arts and I was underage at the time!
Uh… guess I did all my “NightClubbing” before I was 21. My Mom always said to never date anyone you meet in a bar. Good advice for both sexes.
Any dumb white guy coming after me now will have my husband going Jackie Chan on his ass!!
And I never knew I would be such a “novelty” in parts of China that people wanted to get their photos with me all of the time… I was a visiting Tourist Attraction all by myself… made lots of new friends!
At least the guy apologized first before trying to pawn off the thorn in his side
I’ll always like the double Ls profile pic the best *wink*
girls who use guys for free drinks deserve to be creeped out!
Oh dear lord I remember that guy. Why are they never cute?
RYC: Thanks. And BSG is a sooooper kick ass show!
I prefer drawing on the wisdom of the tundras and utilising the Musk-Ox Magic Technique. Musk-oxen form a protective, outward-facing circle around the more vulnerable members of their herd. In the Musk-Ox Magic Technique, the friends of the victim conceal him/her within their outward facing, impenetrable circle. Then, they make their way toward a row of tables or booth or countertop (it reall helps if the people at the table or countertop or booth are friends too). There, the circle subtly makes a tiny, ground-level gap against the table or booth and deposit the victim under said structure. They noisily move away still in formation, thus drawing attention, while the victim makes a quiet run under the tables to the nearest door. The friends regroup later. This technique saved a friend of mine from the vile pursuits of some Postal Worker RiceQueen.
The Kildeer Broken Wing Decoy is a similar technique in which either the victim or a member of his party feigns a serious injury to make an excuse for a fast escape. You have to be convincing and at least partially willing to make a driving approach to a hospital if this is to work on the most tenacious stalkers.
If none of yours work,and my two don’t, there’s a great lesson to be learned at the end of “The Birdcage” for cases of unwanted followers too.
haha well you are in norcal…jk.
Aww…she thinks you’re sensitive but not too emotional. =)
too tired to comment
great coinage of a new word=)
democrap!! very nice! dingleclubber….so THAT’s what they’re called. freakin genius.
Thanks for updating your photo. I also posted a two week old photo on my site…
Wow.. New photos… do they make a difference??
Probably ONLY to the Dingleclubber..or Whatchamacallit!!!
Christy, RN
Wondering what you were going to tell Akiko that you noticed about mixed dating.
{hugs} Your favorite stalker
haha i didn’t know anyone read that far down lol
well i’m glad someone appreciates my self deprecating remarks at the end!
so what do you call those weird and creepy lurker/hoverers at the club who don’t go away, even when you pull your boy friends over to pose as your boyfriend? they turn me into this mean mean person that i don’t want to be!
You’re welcome! I ran across your page from someone on that xanga spotlight page. Very interesting entries..and your writing is a good combination of humor and gravity. I’m amazed you have time to post.
GAH!!!! YESH. we need some dingleclubber floss
pinch em off!!
unfortunately, i get this at church too… lots of random taiwanese guys who are there to learn english
totally socially awkward … if you have a nice way of evading them, please let me know! 
Throwin’ the shaka in the profile pic… love it, Franks!!!
If my photo hasn’t scared you, your next visit to Portlandia and we’ll treat for sushi at Sinju! I always worry when I send a photo out and they don’t respond. lol
Not.
ryc: LOL! i have NO idea what you are trying to say!
whatcha doing? whereya going?
hahaha – hoping to never meet a DingleClubber. Nevah!
dingleclubber. hahahah. you’re funny.
just droppin by to see if you had a new post up =)
oh man you have to write less stuff…i can’t read that much…i put a sexy pic of your gf on my site….she’s mine now…har
ok, let me first digest this information…. no, not from this post. from the one above. so, here’s what i’m thinking. even if someone were to buy a male nurse “action” figure… exactly what is one supposed to do with it?
what? are barbie and ken having a picnic on the green and then ken gets salami lodged in his throat so male nurse action figure comes to the rescue… b/c you know that barbie won’t be able to do a dang thing.
ryc: Haha…
See you when you get back. =)
Like I said,
my answers to all your questions is YeS
Responding to your comment…
Muhahahah, I would so do that too.
- that SP episode was pretty funny
You play?
RYC: Yes, you’re naughty.
Aw Frank, I had a feeling Chuck was gonna lose again
I was trying to be optimistic though haha!
ryc: That’s understandable; however, what about the kids who have both parents and still end up insecure? How do you explain that one? Maybe we all become broken somewhere along the way…
ryc: i dunno man..i totally DISAGREE. the most “exotic LOOKING” women are from hawaii…cuz u look and think…what the heck is she? BUT i didnt see any fine ass hot women there…and i was with locals hanging at local spots too…SHOW ME PICTURES???
okay okay fine FINE. ill give you that much…i guess i can say the RATIO of “beautiful women” in terms of land mass and population size, hawaii is above average. but i need to see LOCAL women with my own eyes, like the “average” hawaiian girl…maybe i shouldnt have eaten at all those buffet places cuz i all i saw were tongons! hahaha