January 8, 2008

• Franksabunchisms 2007

   

  It’s that time of year again, when the turning of the calendar brings the hope of things brand new…and the past year’s Franksabunchisms!  Going through the past year’s posts looking for –isms, I’ve found that 2 of my favorite posts are here and here.  The last 2 Franksabunchism collections from 2006 and 2005 can be found here and here.  Don’t know what a Franksabunchism is?  Read on!

   

  Franksabunchism (frahnc-sah-bahnch-iz-em) –  A sometimes meaningful but usually meaningless literary morsel about life taken from the xanga blog of The Franksabunch™, quotes guilty of lyrically performed armed robbery (that’s a Wu-Tang Clan line) with the aid of gallons of Diet Pepsi.  Should he ever find someone that steals a Franksabunchism (without crediting him) for their own writing, he will go ninja style one time for your mind and drop E. coli in their coffee when they’re not looking so they will get explosive diarrhea. Cha. Cha. Cha.

   

  There are a lot fewer this year as I’ve been a lot busier, you know, getting married and all.  Also there haven’t been as many comical posts because after 3 years I’ve run out of people to make fun of!    Posts are not linked because I’m too lazy and too short on time!

   

  • Love, you see, is an act of grace, caring or forgiveness that is imparted upon you when you do not deserve it.  Anything less and love is rendered to a simple act of quid pro quo.
  • Women don’t fart…they perfume!
  • In Europe personal space is like intelligence on The View…it doesn’t exist!
  • Patience is like algebra…it’s not fun but it’s something that will help you in the long run.
  • The malodorous fruits of impatience are not worth ruining the one trial run we have in this life.
  • Getting married for a guy is like upgrading your flight to first class…you have the best seat in the house, it’s cleaner, the food and service are better, but you still have the woman in the skirt telling you when you can sit down, stand up, eat and go to the bathroom.
  • When you are arguing with your Happily-Ever-After, it is no longer about winning or losing…it is about trying what is best for the other person.
  • They say that beauty is only skin deep.  They really should say that beauty is only skin shallow.  Beauty fades.  And if your love is based on beauty, it will fade as well.  Wrinkles and gravity will not keep you warm at night 30 years from now.
  • True love is the simple act of giving yourself away to another.
  • The past, like regret, is something best left behind.
  • But money isn’t everything, is it?  If it is everything to you, then in reality all you have is nothing.
  • Beauty does not have to expose itself to be so.  And modesty, like the Coast Guard, is both underrated and underappreciated.
  • Don’t do drugs, people, look what happened to Hillary Clinton…she turned into a man!
  • Lesson number one of being a writer…let your writing speak for itself.  It’s not about loving the craft, it’s about crafting something you love.
  • Pride is like a date on eHarmony.com…easy to get, but still ugly at the end of the day.
  • Love and forgiveness are stronger deterrents than loathing and fear.
  • In this world while there are none that are infallible, there are also none that are undeserving of love.
  • The bouquet toss should be like a bad first date…short, simple and with no memory of who was involved.
  • Like Berkeley and men with long hair, the Electric Slide should have never survived past the 70s.
  • Wedding roasts should be like an Ashlee Simpson concert…everyone is a victim!
  • Like a dingleberry, the DingleClubber is annoying, smells bad, and spends all night hanging onto your okole.
  • The world is filled with hate, sadness, frustration, love, joy and peace with or without us.  I cannot change the past nor can I prevent the future, but I can do my best to fill the world with more love, joy and peace than hate, sadness and frustration…because I have to believe in something.  And if that will be my downfall, then I will fall clutching hope instead of despair. [Written in response to the VTech shootings.]
  • The strength of a heart is in its vulnerability.
  • It takes more bravery to let someone in than to cowardly shut out the world, more resilience to heal from the times you’ve been burned than to go through this world unscathed…and unloved.
  • To place someone else’s needs above your own, to put their heart in your heart, your mind on their mind, and their soul in a place where it will never be lost or forgotten…that is what it means to be family.
  • If Michael Jackson tries at first to be black but then gets accepted only by white people, isn’t he just like any other Asian guy?
  • Even the strongest of heroes need to be rescued sometimes.
  • Saliva is like your secret that you have a 3^rd nipple…it should only be shared with your future wife!
  • Boogers are like having an emo cousin…it’s necessary for good health to occasionally bring the out into the sunlight, but better for society if you hide them from everyone.
  • Sweat is not like Hillary Clinton in an election year…it’s not meant to be left behind!
  • Poop is like a Backstreet Boys CD collection…no one else should know that yours exists!
  • In a world designed for entropy, you cannot win every single time.
  • Kim chi fried rice is like a first kiss…keep it simple and it will be worth the bad breath.
  • Remember, homies, mixing ingredients is like farting in front of your GF for the very first time…make sure that the first one is dry, and not wet.
  • Love remains, though we do not.

  ——-

  Some reflections on my trip to Vegas for NYE:

  • Unless you have a body like Jessica Alba, those velvet sweats (pants and hoodie top) that are all the rage right now are a bad choice and should be illegal.  Why because they lead to camel toe and wedgies!

   

  Please, let’s make America a better place by banning these outfits!

   

  • Gambling is the strongest addiction out there.  Think about it.  I’ve never been in a strip club before, but I can’t imagine seeing people on home oxygen in wheelchairs going there for fun, while on my flight to Vegas I was accompanied by…

   

  Say goodbye to great-grandjunior’s college fund!

   

  • Old people can shake, shake, shake…shake, shake, shake…shake your booty!  Shake your booty!  At the NYE ball I attended with the Mrs. the old people were rockin’ on the dance floor, including this man of Medicare age who came back sans shirt and coat and was stripping off his undershirt until his wahine gave him the smack down one time for your mind.

   

  Needless to say, the Mrs. wasn’t very happy her hubbie tried to play male stripper.

   

  And lastly…

  

  Only in Vegas. Tsk-tsk!  And after rotating through OBGYN when I was a med student…trust me, boys, it’s not that glamorous.

   

  Have a blessed 2008, everyone!  Follow the Franksabunchisms and you’ll be alright.

  • 10:13 am
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