January 23, 2007
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Love remains.
I used to dread coming here.
Was it guilt? Denial? Or perhaps a little bit of both? I used to dread coming here, to stand on the side of the hill where my father is buried, where I will be buried and many of my children and their children will be buried when our time comes. Instead of a palpable feeling of emptiness, I feel at peace today. Much like the spot outside of the house of my childhood, where I love to dwell staring at the night sky, the wind whispers into my ears and embraces me once again…
This time I cannot escape the palpable emptiness as it weighs down my feet as I walk to my grandma’s burial site. It’s ironic that as one of the few who could not make it back to her funeral a few months ago I am probably the first to see her tombstone, which just arrived. I smile when I see that the letters and symbols are exactly the same as those adorning my grandfather’s on the left. She’s home now. With him. I place the lei on the ground, the same type I will give to my father later. I chose a lei because flowers you just give, but in Hawaii when you give a lei, you also embrace that person.
There’s nothing like standing amongst the departed to make you realize how mortal you are. Rich and poor, strong and weak…we all end up the same six feet under. I am not going to live forever, so what will my legacy be? How will I be remembered? Being published? Being rich? Being well respected in my field? Perhaps having a disease named after me? Is that what I want?
I once wrote that “both radiant and fading, human lives are just like the flowers we leave in remembrance of them.” And it is with those flowers today that I find some solace amidst the cross-stitching of cold stone and growing grass…I see a grave from 1958 that someone left flowers of remembrance on recently, half a century later.
Love remains, though we do not.
…Tomorrow I will get on a plane and return to the mainland to resume my fellowship and be swallowed by the hospital and all its madness once again. I used to think that my legacy would be in serving my community, taking care of people, all the while being known as “The Man” who graced the cover of the “Best Doctors” annual edition of Honolulu Magazine. That’s what I’ve been working for all these years. But after visiting my grandma and my father today I realize that all those things are fine and dandy, but without that something else, it is all for naught. That is why I have decided that when I return to work I am going to be working for something different.
My legacy will be to build something that remains.
So that’s why I’m at peace now standing on the side of this hill, where my father is buried, where I will be buried and many of my children and their children will be buried when our time comes. We will all remain.
And that is the best legacy one can ever hope for. Won’t you join me?
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Have a great week! Go BEARS! (No, I'm not jumping on the bandwagon, I've followed them for 20 years!
) Random IM last night:
hi.. this is just a xanga fan of yours.. just wanted to say that I find a lot of your posts very insightful and had used some of it in my scrap book of 'life's guidance'.. thank you for the posts.. have a good night.. =)
You signed off before I could say thanks. So thanks.
And to end the day, a couple quick thoughts about the election:
1. Hillary Clinton. Me thunketh that the 1st female president will be a Republican. I think a Republican't woman would be more likely to get more Democrap men and women and moderates to vote for her than the other way around. And besides, if she couldn't get Bill to be faithful to her, how could she get Congress to? OUCH!!! Haha! Nah, but seriously, seeing her hide after 9/11 while Giuliani was rallying the people and then roll her eyes while giving Bush an ovation during his speech made me lose all respect for her.
2. Barack Obama. As much I would LOVE to have someone from my 'hood (yes, homies, Barack was born in Hawaii) become president, politics is one of the few areas in which getting more gray hair = more power/skill/savvy/respect. After only one term in Congress, I don't think he'd be ready to take on the world. A little something I found out per Chinapocahontas...
Comments (49)
great refelction.
all the best for your legacy building.
bro, your entry made me smile, even though i'm freaking tired and my eyelids are halfway closed. (but i saw doctor frank update, so i told myself, i gotta read this one. heh)
me, i'm going to be known by a good number of people, just because of the way things are. but do i want people to go, "Oh Junshien? He was an awesome photographer." or I do want them to say "Junshien... he was a great man of God. He lived for the Lord, he lived for others." the first sounds more glamorous, more enticing. and probably wouldn't be a bad thing, since i'm trying to build up my photography career and all. but the second... that is the thing that'll last.
and on that great day, may we hear from our Master, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's joyb."
Great post.
I think "experience" is overrated when it comes to politics. I don't know if I'd want someone whose been so entrenched in politics and has been a career politician running the country. I'd rather have someone fresh, full of innovation, ideals, and ideas to give it a shot. Shoot, we gave it to a bumbling idiot, why can't we give it to a much more articulate, diplomatic, young, energetic and open-minded candidate?
and about the election stuff.. "And besides, if she couldn't get Bill to be faithful to her, how could she get Congress to?" hahahahahahahah
she's too angry. wayyy too angry. and when women get angry, i fear.
obama's lack of experience might actually be a good thing, considering how all our seasoned politicians on capitol hill has screwed up the nation real good. (and it's not all bush's fault.) he has a 100% liberal voting record though, according to the liberal group Americans for Democratic Action. and somehow, he manages to appear to be mainstream. we'll see what happens after the primaries are over
=) smile. <--- for you.
FAB--
I'm intrigued with the legacy you wish to leave and what it is, inside of you, that you'll be bringing back to the mainland. Something that remains... perhaps you are still turning the idea around in your head, to identify the something. In any case, your entry is profound and I enjoyed reading it immensely. Thank you for sharing it.
As far as politics (always a difficult topic!), I'm not comfortable with the Senator of my home state. I applaud her accomplishments, but have a great deal of distrust in her. Her words and actions have frequently contradicted each other; for example, she claims to be adamantly pro-woman, yet denigrates women with comments such as that she's not "some little woman, standing by my man, like Tammy Wynette." (Which she has... )
As far as politics is one of the few areas in which getting more gray hair = more power/skill/savvy/respect, I misread it as politics is one of the few areas in which getting more gray hair = getting more. Hah!
I'm smiling for you Frankster. You definately have a xanga legacy. Below are lyrics to a song by Chris Rice...they kind of made since for this post.
The Power of a Moment - Lyrics, Chris Rice
"What am I gonna be when I grow up?
How am I gonna make my mark in history?
And what are they gonna write about me when I’m gone?
These are the questions that shape the way I think about what matters
But I have no guarantee of my next heartbeat
And my world’s too big to make a name for myself
And what if no one wants to read about me when I’m gone?
Seems to me that right now’s the only moment that matters
You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of a moment
In Your kingdom where the least is greatest
The weak are given strength and fools confound the wise
And forever brushes up against a moment’s time
Leaving impressions and drawing me into what really matters
You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of a moment
I get so distracted by my bigger schemes
Show me the importance of the simple things
Like a word, a seed, a thorn, a nail
And a cup of cold water
You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of, the power of, the power of a moment."
ooops *SENSE*
i think hilary can do it.
it's good to find peace from time to time, and sometimes, you find it in the strangest places, although the moment, though you don't initially realize it, is opportune. Come back to the bay, where things have been interesting. Everybody has a different idea of what that means. Perhaps one day I'll share mine with you. =)
I refuse to vote for Obama. He's not a supporter of Pro-Choice.
first female president!! i hope hiliary wins....
go bears!! the packers sucked too much this past year to care about the bears-packers rivalry. it's all about NFC central and a midwestern superbowl now, baby!!
Hillary Clinton as President scares the crap out of me. T_T
death really puts things into perspective and makes us realize what is most important in our lives.
go richardson!
Good luck on the rest of your journey
Outstanding. On my grandfathers death bed, my brother and I promised to him to have many children to carry on his name. I believe he died in peace.
Is it just me or am I the only one who thinks that Colin Powell for Prez is the total package? Hes a minority, he was born from modest roots, hes a conservative republican and a freakin 4 star general. If that wont unite the democratic and republican, poor and rich, liberal and conservative, and the peace loving and the war hungry, who will?
Nice post... it makes me think of the song "Who Am I?" by Casting Crowns.
frank, that was very touching and i'm so happy i know you.
as for hilary, anyone's better than the loser now and obama....too little experience, but a good contender later, i say.
Fantastic post. It also made me think I should get cracking on the legacy building. LIKE THE PRESSURE FROM MY FEMALE FAMILY MEMBERS AND RUDE MEN WEREN'T ENOUGH!
OOOOOOOO...demoCRAP. As a moderate demoCRAP, I must throw in my 2 cents. First, Hill annoys me in ways I can't begin to define. I find her shifty, and disingenuous to the extreme. And just because we both have wombs does not mean I would vote for her. Super feminist I am not. Still, she would out class, out rank, and out smart the current guy any day of the week.
Barak...I'm seeing him in more of a Vice-presi role. Yeah, he's a great guy, good motivator, charismatic, but what has he done of substance. Vice would at least get him into the ring so we can see how he works.
I'm not seeing any promise on either side of the aisle. 3 years ago, you could have said McCain, but he went all nambly-pambly Bush's bitch on us, and I've lost all respect for the guy. Sorry, but the Republicans (spelled correctly even!!! elevating the discourse!!! teasing) aren't exactly out there looking super shiny and viable. They need to stop acting like whupped dogs with their tails between their legs and get cracking. 2 years is a long time, and anything and everything has the possibility of happening. To me that's all kinds of awesome in a box.
I'm on the edge of my seat with anticipation about this next election cycle. Seriously.
i vote for mccain
reminscing... I have that every night =[
ryc: a lot of my pt's have preexisting conditions. some come to the floor totally loaded fulla medications onboard...what a cocktail.
Great post. Very nice
i love peaceful reflection liek this
it is interesting that i'm reading this after a crash-course on Buddhism... something to ponder: impermanence and nonattachment. without permanence or attachment, what of life is left?
We indeed are the "Daisies of the Galaxy." As my Mom lay dying, I knew then that LOVE is all that matters.
I love you, Mom. And I miss you and Dad and I am trying to find my way with my brilliant FoB MD, PhD. We've had out stumbling blocks (he learned you cannot hit a woman here, unlike China... He'll never hit me again!), empty gestational sacs, miscarriages, it's been rough. The hardest steel is tempered in the hottest fires.
Elect Condee Rice. Then again, she may be too smart to even want to be President!
Your (and SwinginIslandDocs and Delsdesktop and Binakwan and his beautiful flowers and people -Daisies and Orchids & Tillandsias of the Universe!!) have kept me sane (!!!) and God bless you for that. I don't know where your life will lead, but I hope to meet you (all!) someday. I'm not looking for a doctor husband. I already have my own. We've been together since before his residency when he was a Lab Lui (our inside family joke). through the You-Smelly (USMLE) and onward to his employment and Board Certs. What a long, strange trip it's been. Now I can finish my PhD but I like being an artist right now, it's where God has me. I love beautifying others' lives, and making beautiful things for people who love them.
I am blessed. Your Dad was at peace long before you and anyone else who loved him found your peace. God bless you with peace in your grief. I still grieve for my parents, I am so glad to be back with my functional husband that having his shoulder to cry on always helps. He's FoB so he's awkwardly affectionate but he is getting used to his Meguoren wife's ways and needs.
...reminds me I got to get the Acura MDX over to insurance appraiser: last week he was rear-ended on his way to work in the snow and ice we had. Lady in Volvo said she stopped in plenty of time... but she slid under his SUV. First accident he's never been "at fault." No one got hurt, except a couple of bumpers and the hood on the Volvo got pushed through the windshield and our muffler got bent and twisted. She pretty much just "goosed" the Axura. Sure glad it's raised up. My new 2007 SUV stayed in the garage during the snow. Almost 3000 miles on it now! It's far bigger and beefier than the Acura or a Volvo, not quite a Hummer lol... People respect you in a big honkin' truck. My husband sees too many MVAs in Trauma at LEH that he would rather see me in a tank. Now I want to see him in a tank. I keep asking him, "Does your neck hurt? Are you sure?!" One thing doctors are allergic to is lawyers. Even if his neck hurt, he would never call a lawyer, so the woman has nothing to fear and should be glad she hit someone who detests litigiousness. Just glad I wasn't in the car and he was on his way to first call shift at work.
It's taken some time, but he is more huggy and kissy than he was when we first met, which I like. I loved visiting his family in China and walking around with my niece, 5 years old, and she always wanted to hold my hand. We were in the residential areas and I am sure I looked like I got lost from a tour group. People over there love American candies: my niece was Queen of 1st grade for a day when we brought in bags of funsize candy to her class. I liked seeing all the smiles from the kids, and the teachers! Beautiful little school with lots of murals and art... and she is learning English so she can converse with her Auntie. When she gets me on the phone, she gets all nervous so I talk to her in Chinese first. I love having a child in my life, even if she's not my own.
Prayers of light, love, prosperity, success on every level, happiness and all good things to you, Franksabunch! If you ever make it to PDX, you have a couple of friends here!
God bless your Dad and remember, he is always with you. I miss my parents and I look in the mirror to visit them. Alas I have no brothers/sisters to share my grief. My parents had the One Child Policy and they weren't even Chinese! Lonely Only. It's taken the longest time to dream about my parents. Finally, I am now just able...
Hey Frank, good post as always, I sent you an email and I also wanted to check up on M. How is he doing? He has been silent for a long time and that is not like him.
yeah i've thought of all those q's u asked b4. wut does $$ matter? i'd rather enjoy my life & have no regrets when i die. but then the ppl i leave behind will miss me no matter how much time i spent w/ them.
made me think of this: ....but have not love, i am nothing....
ryc: dadsabunch - coming soon I'm sure.. LOL
great post as always bradah.. it's hard to maintain focus but you're grounded in a higher calling..
i'll reply on my entry! protected haha
I agree with the random IM person.
nah i didnt draw it lol ill try laughing on purpose LOL
=)
Leaving a legacy in life and not just a legacy but a positive one that is lasting to effect the generations to come.
Hmm.. i better get cracking on that!
RYC: Thanks for the support, Franksa.
ryc on Methodick's xanga: I didn't say that pills don't have the same effect. I was just mentioning NuvaRing because, assuming both you and your lovah are clean (and faithful -- so STDs aren't really an issue), it's another contraceptive that doesn't add a layer between the vagina and penis, which is what Methodick was talking about in her first sentence of her entry. ;P
And then I mentioned the thing about side effects because I was just saying that I'd rather not use something with unpleasant side effects (so I said I'd stick with condoms).
Thanks for such sweet thoughts. : )
ryc: Yea I do the same thing. But I do it because I'm a fat ass and I'm addicted to food. I eat because I'm unhappy and I'm unhappy because I eat. xD
ryc: Thanks Frank. I wish you could have been here to see me, I was in full on scary white girl mode. You would have loved it.
I can only imagine, and remotely come close to, what it must feel like to be the bearer of a lineage name. As a woman, our role and responsibility in the family structure is on the complete opposite side of the spectrum.
Godspeed.
RYC: The idea of needles precisely pricking places on my person that are the size of a pinpoint induce images of this charming ol' chap.
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I guess Pinhead is too pretty for Xanga.
Hey Frankie-pankie. =D
I'm going over to France to study abroad for the semester. Muhahahahaaaaa....
np, you have a great weekend, too.
ryc: I hope so, except the quality of guys here is questionable. So for the first time in my life, I'm deathly afraid of dating.
Excellent post, as always. Thanks for sharing. As for Obama... did you ever see Mr. Smith Goes to Washington? Jimmy Stewart as a new senator going apeshit on the old guys. Good stuff.
ryc: hehe...maybe not seen externally...but i knew something was off...and it was kinda nice to know i wasn't totally crazy that something is slightly wrong with me
even if it wasn't that but rather gerd acting way crazy in me...either way at least i'm not a hypochondriac? 
Someone mentioned Colin Powell being the next Prez, I've been rooting for him to run for a long time now! I wish my bro hadn't wanted to be cremated (and have ashes scattered.) It would be nice to have a grave to visit him, but hey I still have pics of him.
oops that was me.. didn't know i was log in acts... =) s