February 5, 2008

• The Franksabunch’s Guide to Buying an Engagement Ring.

   

  So the other day, after being blinded by the diamond ring my wife was sporting, my friend started talking to me about purchasing one for his wahine.  (This friend shall remain nameless, in case his GF stalks my blog.)  After having a brief conversation with him I realized how little most men (including myself) know about this…  So in the interest of cro-mags everywhere I give you…

   

  The Franksabunch’s Guide to Buying an Engagement Ring

   

  (From a non-metrosexual, Man’s Man point of view.)

   

  Stop!  Thief!

  1^st step in buying a diamond ring is acquiescing to the fact that with diamonds, like coffee from Starbucks, you’re paying much more than what it’s worth.  Stop whining like New England Patriots fans and get over it.  (Somewhere in the world Tiki Barber is crying in a corner.)

   

  Size matters.

  But not in the way you think it does.  Ask any basketball coach about what he prizes in recruits and each one will tell you that you can’t coach height.  You can’t force players to be bigger.  But bigger also comes with a price.  Some of the tallest NBA players in history have been more uncoordinated than the Iraq war.  Remember Manute Bol?  Gheorge Muresan?  The same goes for diamonds.  The larger your diamond, the more likely you will sacrifice color (obviously you want a colorless diamond if you can afford it) and clarity (not having any inclusions visible to the naked eye) or your wallet.  Finding a colorless and with excellent clarity diamond that’s >1.5 carats will cost you your left kidney or half of Bolivia.  Sometimes it’s better to choose a slightly smaller diamond of better quality than a bigger one that’s unappealing.  Just ask the Portland Trailblazers, who drafted Sam Bowie instead of Michael Jordan. 

   

  Nick Carter vs. the Backstreet Boys. **Oops!  Thanks for the correction, it’s Nick and not Aaron. **

  Nick Carter is, arguably, the brightest star on the Backstreet Boys, but his solo career fizzled out like Giuliani’s presidential campaign and he was dumped by Paris Hilton.  The lesson here, boys?  One star burns brighter when surrounded by others.  Knowing that with increasing carat size you’re more likely to sacrifice color and clarity (or your 401K), one way to make your diamond appear bigger is to have diamonds on both sides of it.  (As opposed to solitaire, meaning one diamond on one band.)  The flash from the side diamonds synergistically boost that of the main one, making it look godly without being gaudy.  However, a classy solitaire can be beautiful as well, depending on your girl.  But if you decide to get supplemental diamonds, I would recommend getting channel set diamonds (diamonds set inside the band) instead of ones that would sit on prongs.  Those can make the original diamond look misshapen like Courtney Love before—and after—plastic surgery.  In general, don’t get too cute with the style of the ring.  You want something classy that will last, instead of something flashy that she’ll want to trade in 15 years from now.

   

  Pride (in the name of love).

  Most of the attention and adoration that your wahine will get for her ring is not from random strangers seeing the flash from across the room.  Rather, it’ll be from her girlfriends, and, fellas, trust me when I tell you that they will ask her where you bought it from.  Do you really want your wahine to go around telling everyone that you got her ring, the symbol of your undying love for her, from Costco?  Or, even worse, WalMart?  It will reflect poorly, not only on her…but also U2!  It’ll cost you more to get a ring from Tiffanys—as opposed to, say, Sam’s Club—but for a lifetime of being able to hold her head up when she displays the ring to others is worth it.  (Not to mention the free cleanings and better service when purchasing things.)   Every girl’s dream is to get a ring from Tiffanys, and why not make hers come true while making her friends insanely jealous? 

   

  But in the end, just remember that the one jewel your wahine will truly treasure is you, and not some overpriced piece of rock.  So keep doing those crunches and stop farting in front of her!

   

  And, finally, to back up what I say, here’s what I got the Mrs. (I would’ve gotten a bigger carat size but I’m still in fellowship and make less than the nurses!):

   

  

   

  We’re going to be eating ramen noodles Monday-Friday for the next 3 years, but I guess it’s worth it!

   

  Have a great week!  And don’t take this post too seriously…buy what you can afford and your wahine, if she truly loves you, will not say yes or no depending on what kind of ring you get her.

   

  Edit:  Don’t forget to get that mammajamma insured!  (It’s cheaper than car insurance.)

  ———–

  We’re going to check out the House of Prime Rib in SF this weekend.  Any steak place with a “King Henry cut” must be bomb diggity, but I’m a little cautious as a lot of the reviews on Yelp state that the workers there are prejudiced against Asians.  Anyone heard anything similar?

  • 10:12 am
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