November 26, 2007

• Fart Ninjas.

  So the other day the elevator doors open and as I start walking in I almost ran over a nurse.  Mildly attractive, she looked up at me with startled eyes as wide as Rosie’s butt, and with a shivering voice spurted out, “excuse me!” and hurriedly (as in, “it’s touching the cotton!” hurriedly) walked away like someone in search of a bathroom.  As soon as the elevator doors closed the miasma embraced me and mildly attractive suddenly became funk nasty.  SHE FARTED!  Apparently, it being a rather slow weekend day in the hospital, she was taking her chances that no one would walk into her elevator, so she played fart ninja and then made like Bennifer and split.

  I know how the sayings go…  “Horses sweat, men perspire, women glow!”  “Women don’t fart…they perfume!”  Trust me, any nubile notions of the angelic properties of female incandescence were shattered once I did my obgyn rotation in med school, but the truth of the matter is that I fart, you fart, she farts, we all fart!  Despite the inexorability of this gaseous phenomenon, people still greet flatulence with petulance, making it no wonder that we often play fart ninja to hide our passing of gas.  There are some situations where being discreet is not an option–lunchtime in a Japanese high school cafeteria that serves milk comes to mind–but for the most part, fart ninja is the way to go, or else you’ll be committing social seppuku when you emanate the methane.

  I’ll be honest.  The Franksabunch™ is guilty as well and has been known to surreptitiously play fart ninja in an ICU room (usually those places already smell bad, the patients are unconscious and can get blamed for any malodorous, well, odors) when no one else is around.

  So what kind of fart ninja moves are there? 

  • The Jesse Jackson Ninja Fart Move.  Blame the nearest white guy.  Heck, white people are already responsible for Michael Jackson’s enduring popularity!
  • The Shock-N-Awe Ninja Fart Move.  Make it loud but(t) proud.  Like you mean it.  Then people usually will laugh and let you off.  Unless you’re a girl, in which case that’s just gross like Tila Tequila’s saliva.
  • The Whodunit Ninja Fart Move.  When being silent but(t) violent, instantly accuse someone else in the room.  By serving as your own witness, you automatically absolve yourself of any culpability.
  • The Canine Ninja Fart Move.  Blame it on the nearest dog.  That’s what OJ did before paying off the lawyers and figuring out that the glove was a human one.
  • The View Ninja Fart Move.  If you’re a wahine, just blame it on the nearest man.  That’s what the ladies on The View do when they’re not busy debating whether the earth is flat or not.  (Further proof that Darwin was wrong like celery in fried rice.)
  • The 8-Ball Ninja Fart Move.  My personal favorite when you have to pass gas at the gym.  Walk to the nearest corner pocket pretending that you’re looking for a piece of equipment, then drop it like it’s hot.
  • The Leprechaun Ninja Fart Move.  Like the nurse in the elevator, crack one in an enclosed space and then run with the doors closed behind you, leaving your pot of, er, gold for someone else to find.  Then curse Warwick Davis for continuing to make Leprechaun movies after Willow.
  • The Nuptual Ninja Fart Move.  Get married…then it doesn’t matter anymore.

  So there ya go, subbers and stalkers.  Emancipate and emanate!  Like you mean it.  Just don’t blame it on me.

  Bonus mini-post!

  The Power of the Ring.

  No, I’m not talking about the Ring of Mordor.  I’m a dork, but not that big of a dork.  Anyway, one thing I have recently been able to surmise is that girls love bling.  Okay, that much is obvious, but I’m talking about a more specific bling…  The bling of the wedding ring. 

  I’m pretty good at keeping eye contact with those I talk to everyday at work (but not in a creepy-bug-eyed-serial-killer kind of way), so if people look at a certain part of me I can pretty much guess where they are looking with 95.3% accuracy.  And one thing I’ve noticed is that many women will glance at my wedding while most men will not.  (This didn’t happen when my ring finger was empty.)  If you’ve been a longtime subscriber of mine you know that I’m not the type to think that wahines are attracted to me and far be it from me to think that I’m somehow physically desirable, but without fail even the married/engaged ones will hazard a quick look!

  Does that add credence to the belief that men are more desirable when they have a wedding ring on?  Or are those wahines simply wondering, “how in the world did this guy fool someone into marrying him?!?!”  On second thought, don’t answer that.  Bwahaha!   But maybe you wahines out there can explain why.

  —–

  Hope you all had a great thanksgiving!  Mine was filled with deep fried chicken (without batter, Korean style), stuffing, mashed potatoes with ‘shrooms, sliced ciabatta bread pan fried and drizzled with port and olive oil, corn fritters and a trio of dessert with pumpkin custard, ice cream and a chocolate chip cookie, all courtesy of my happily-ever-after.  I think my ring finger is tighter now.    And congrats to the Hawaii Football Team…only undefeated team left in the country!  Woop!  Here’s my video of their haka after the Reno game the other weekend (some Nevada fans were sore losers, giving me the finger…haha).

  
  
  

  Have a great week!  (Big hug to ya, Roji.)

  EDIT:  Oh my goodness.  www.youtube.com/nigahiga  bwahahahahahaha!

  • 8:05 am
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