October 1, 2007

• If you hate traffic court, raise your right hand!

   

  I used to think that Starbucks was the Evil Empire.  You know, with their Age of Aquarius-ish mermaid logo, workers so intensely happy that you wonder if they take laxatives for breakfast and ubiquitous-like-foot-fungus-in-the-24-hour-fitness-locker-room presence in every city (by the way, if they ever come up with a Jim Jones Kool Aid Latte…don’t drink it!).  

   

  But I was wrong.  They’re not as evil as the California Traffic Court System and its Beelzebubblish cousin, the California Department of Transportation.  Remember the traffic ticket I got a while ago?  I felt it was my duty as an American, Republican’t, follower of Jesus and spam musubi maker to tell them that they assigned my case to the wrong court.  I was rewarded with a new trial at the correct site…and a fine that was $30 higher. 

   

  But that’s not what bothers me.  What bothers me is that the whole system is set up to screw the average citizen over.  When I got a ticket in high school (Hawaii), the judge introduced the policeman to everyone there so they knew he was present.  Here in NorCal, the judge in a stern, almost rude manner, began running everyone through a single file line as you walked through the door without giving you a chance to catch your breath.  I looked around, wondering, “when are the cops going to show up?”  I wanted to explain things so a court appointed lawyer pulled me outside to talk.  I was going to ask where the cop was, but figured that they all checked in earlier.  Certainly the lawyer would say something when he looked over my ticket, right?  But he didn’t and just advised me to pay up and go to traffic school.  So I ended up paying the fine plus whatever traffic school will charge me.  After I paid the fine I walked through the cashier room exit and saw all the cops were hanging out away from plain view, chatting with some of the other traffic attorneys.  Of course, the one who gave me the ticket wasn’t there.

   

  Great beard of Oprah!  I just got screwed over more than Hope Solo in the World Cup.

   

  The lawyers knew which cops were there.  They were taking breaks together, for cryin’ out loud.  But foolish me to think that the lawyer the court provided would actually care and help a yellow yet fabulous brother out.  I was stupid to think that he would be on my side given who was paying his salary.  I help my patients find ways to reduce needless office visits and procedures to save them money, even if it means my department makes less, because it’s the right thing to do.  I guess not everyone else operates that way.

   

  Yes, in the end it was my fault for not speaking up and asking where the cop was, but I just think that the whole system is set up not to help us, but to make us pay.  Which in my case was over $200 + traffic school.  Oh well. 

   

  I guess my only vengeance will be next year when I’m making $xxx and the traffic lawyer is still making beans.

   

  For those of you who have been maimed by the traffic Gestapo like me, I raise my drink (Diet Pepsi) to you as a fellow victim.

   

  Edit:  I'm doing the online traffic school and you have to check out these question/answer options:

  All of the following are examples of driving courteously on the road EXCEPT:
  trying to signal to someone that there is something wrong with them by waving your middle finger

  Defensive driving means:
  taking the football from the offense, which starts a long drive deep into your opponents' territory

  Hahaha!  It almost makes the $200 fine worth it.

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  Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the hard work those in law enforcement and the courts do to keep America, well, America instead of Liberia.  (So don't kill me, Bipolarmeow, Sherwood, Fatitude and Kamilotte! )  But if I had an ounce for every way the traffic court system sucks I’d have a behemoth that weighs more than all the former hosts on The View combined (before gastric bypass).  And for those of you who pass through toll booths, take my advice and GET A RECEIPT.  My wife got a $25 ticket for not paying a toll.  Of course she paid the toll fee, but we had no proof.  (I’m wondering if it’s a scam…pocketing the cash for every 30^th car and giving them a ticket is a lot of cheddar!)  To show our appreciation of the California D.O.T., the next time we passed through we paid the entire $4 toll in dimes.

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  And lastly, since she gave me a holla at the end of her column, give some aloha to the one and only Hollypoop!  She has writing I look forward to reading and she's one of the few remaining fellow English majors I know on Xanga that are still active!  (Besides my Muse, who doesn't post much anymore...boooo, woman, booooooo!)  I'm going to stop being nice now before I barf.

   

  Have a great week!

  • 11:36 am
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