January 16, 2007

• The life-preserving thong.

  So after snorkeling through Hanauma Bay with a gangsta lean I decided to take a break.  Sitting on the sand crafted by eons of wind and waves, I surveyed the scene before me and saw a sickening sight, one whose magnitude of horror has not been seen since Michael Bolton permed his hair back in the day:

  

  Said I loved you but I lied...I love my chest afro more!

  I saw throngs of Japanese thongs.  Bubblin' Barack Obama, what is going on here?! O_o

  Okay, so they weren't real thongs, but this was much worse.  At Hanauma Bay they have available for snorkelers "flotation devices" which are enantiomers of life jackets.  They're like an inner tube around the neck, but here's the best part...along with the usual horizontal strap around the chest, there was a vertical strap which looped under the, uh, Netherlands.   I didn't have my camera with me, so I'll draw you a picture (click to enlarge, and please forgive me for spelling "unnecessary" wrong, I drew it jet-lagged after arriving back):

  

  It doesn't seem too uncomfortable until you realize that when they're swimming, the flotation device, well, floats and thereby lifts up on the vertical strap, uplifting your singing voice 3 octaves.  My companion at the beach asked me if I would wear one of those for a large sum of money, to which I replied, "I would rather drown than risk getting a strangulated testicle!"

  I hate to be vulgar about it, but it was the worst case of camel toe the modern world has witnessed since Britney, Christina and Jessica were unleashed on the top 40 world.  There were more camel toes than a Saudi Arabian desert race.  More wedgies than an intermediate school locker room.  More injured manhoods than a NOW (National Organization for Women) conference.  More, well, you get the picture.  Sisqo would be proud.  It was quite comical to see a whole gaggle of Japanese tourists singing the flotation thong song like a group of fashion lemmings headed off the cliff of beachwear insanity.  Whenever a large group of tourists came away from the equipment stand and started to put the devices on I could hear the thundering silent sound of 20 rectums simultaneously contracting when the straps were tightened.  Brings new meaning to the term, "Banzai Pipeline" in Hawaii.

  Much like an inebriated Tara Reid, a soliloquy from Rosie O'Donnell or American Idol reject auditions, I could not help but stare at such a macabre disaster.  But the funniest part?  Only the Japanese tourists used them.  No European or American tourists donned the sterilization straps, making me suspect that there was a little extra marketing done towards our friends from the land of toro nigiri.  I swear it must be Hawaii's passive-aggressive way of getting back at the Japanese for bombing Pearl Harbor and/or extending Michael Jackson's career past 2 decades.

  So as we start the new year, dear subbers and stalkers, remember...  At Hanauma Bay, just say no to camel toe!  (The water is pretty shallow, you don't need the life preserver.)

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  A couple of albums I've recently picked up (both in part due to YD0K, thanks man!) that y'allz should check-it-check-it-out: Far East Movement (Work is the best track) and Meg and Dia (track #7 and 11 are the best ones).

  • 9:19 am
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