July 13, 2010

  • Poop.

    As one who hardly drops a numero dos in public (my God-given strong rectum usually allows me to hold it until I reach a quiet, sanitized place), I have always wondered what was the correct poop etiquette. 

    Now urinal etiquette is well known, but what about the standard two-stall bathroom in most places of work when you have to drop it like its hot?  Thanks to my wife secretly increasing the fiber in my diet, I had no choice today but to release the bowel hounds and went out of my way to find a hidden--and clean!--bathroom at work.  "Rectum don't fail me now!" I screamed as I navigated the hospital to the best bathroom.  Upon sitting down (double TP layer on the seat, homie) I noticed a pair of shoes in the stall next to me. 

    CRAP!

    What now?  Do I try to be as silent as possible?  Courtesy flush (knowing full well that my chocolate highway will get splashed with other people's germs)?  Wait until the other guy finishes first?  Make sure that the other guy doesn't see me seeing him outside of the stalls?  Can I grunt like Serena Williams if I start having trouble?  Don't tap your foot!  Don't tap your foot!

    I sat there--brow furrowed, rectum clenched like the fist of a cuckold--as I silently pontificated on the proper yet puissant way to poop.  But before my mind and bowels could come to a compromise, biology took over and the U.S.S. Crap exited port on its maiden and final voyage.  Courteous as I am, I thought it best to take my time and let my anonymous neighbor finish his duty and leave without so much as a peep or holler from yours truly, so as to avoid any awkward chance encounters in the real world.  But in doing so, I ended up sitting above my crap, like Poseidon over his vengeful flotsam, far longer than I would have liked.

    How often does this happen in the rest of our lives?  Holding in the crap that plagues us so as to avoid any outright shame, awkard glares and behind-the-back whispering from others? And if accidentally released into the public, hovering over it to delay its discovery?

    Whether it be an unrequitable vice, caustic relationship, the wages of sin, fatal hubris or something as simply complex as a perceived slight at the hands of another, we all have crap in our lives that we need to just dump and flush down the toilet, and yet refrain from doing so because we are afraid of what others may think about us once the beast is released.  And yet that is the most ridiculous part because those other people are not the ones burdened by crap.  You are.  We are.  Holding it in or hovering over it only serves to prolong the stench in your life and keeps you locked in your own theological/spiritual/cultural/emotional bathroom.  It benefits no one.

    So the next time I have to drop a physical or metaphysical numero dos?  Who cares about my neighbor?  I'm just gonna drop it and move on.  And so should you.

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