April 1, 2009

• Calling it like it is.
   
  In case you missed it, the current powers that be in the government recently decreed that we are no longer to use the terms “terrorist attack” and “war on terror.”  Instead, we are supposed to refer to them as “man-made disasters” and “overseas contingency operations.”  
   
  Hallelujah, praise Oprah!  I want to know who to thank for truly clearing things up and calling it like it is!
   
  In the spirit of throwing away misleading misnomers in favor of truly defining things, I’d like to help Xanga rename all of its children to avoid any confusion among potential subscribers.
   
  Old name: Revelife. 
  New name: Where Christians and non-Christians can get together to talk about anything but Christianity and curse like constipated pagans.
   
  Old name: Datingish. 
  New name: Where all the girls with “make way for the princess” bumper stickers can complain about the 3,000 reasons why no one wants to marry them.  (#2,451: get rid of the unibrow!)
   
  Old name: Lovelyish.
  New name: Where beauty is truly on the inside…and all the subscribers are on the outside.
   
  Old name: Healthkicker.
  New name: Can I have a diet pepsi with my double cheeseburger?
   
  Old name: Momaroo.
  New name: Kill the sperm donors!
   
  Old name: Dollarish.
  New name: It's not stealing, it's $free.99!
   
  Old name: Mancouch.
  New name: Men acting like women.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
   
  Old name: Tripcrazed.
  New name: Site created by John’s second cousin because he owed him a favor.  (How else do you explain it?)
   
  Old name: Hardestlevel.
  New name: Where gamers meet to flirt and date (except all the girls on the site are actually boys pretending to be girls!).
   
  Old name: Ireallylikefood.
  New name: I traded apple-bottom jeans for watermelon-bottom jeans!
   
  The above is all in good fun (no offense, Mr. John!), but all of us follow the example of our esteemed leaders by changing the names of things in our lives to make them more palatable.  Sex without love is called “friends with benefits.”  Male sluts are called “players.”  Angry people who don't bathe are called "vegans." 
   
  But does making something sound more palatable make it that much safer or acceptable?  Does calling it “friends with benefits” lessen the emotional and physical risks?  Does calling a male slut a “player” make it acceptable for him to degrade and use women?  Does calling him a "vegan" somehow enable you to ignore the scent of putrid garlic?  I call my obese abdomen my “glucose reserve in case of famine” and my addiction to caffeine an “efficiency enhancer,” but in doing so I only neglect to take responsibility and face up to the notion that I need to change.  Changing the name to make it sound nicer only leads you to ignore the gravity of the situation.  Calling the murder of thousands of innocent people in the World Trade Center bombing a “man-made disaster” bleaches the evil in those who committed that atrocious act and cheapens the lives that were lost during and after.  Making my fat belly sound cuter only leads to a shorter lifespan.
   
  So, dear subbers and stalkers, call it whatever you want, but don’t let the name take control, otherwise one day you will wake up and find that *you* are the misnomer and not the other way around.
   
  Especially for you mancouch subscribers.
   
  Have a great rest of the week!

  • 2:21 pm
  • 19 Comments