March 2, 2009
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Rihanna: Epic Fail.
They say that you always hurt the ones you love...but should you also love the one who hurts you? (Following is the purported picture of Rihanna taken by the police. I cannot vouch for its authenticity nor its veracity.)
I realize that all the facts are not known and probably will never be known to the public in the case of Chris Brown physically abusing Rihanna, but Rihanna's actions in the post-fight period amounts to nothing short of an epic fail. (I always told myself I would never write that overused "epic fail" term, but I can think of no better term to ascribe to her choices.)
Is there ever a time when it is okay to hit a woman?
Of course there is. If some crazy woman with a knife jumped out and tried to kill me or my wife, I would not hesitate to do my best impression of Lyoto Machida and take her down before calling the cops. But let's even suppose that Rihanna is the one who started this altercation with her words or fists. Was Chris Brown's response adequate? If a woman ever decided to come after me punching and kicking, I would grab a hold of her arms, push her out of my personal space and then back away. I would not, as it has been alleged in the Chris Brown case, punch, choke and threaten to kill her. There is nothing appropriate in Chris Brown's response, no matter which way you spin it, even if Rihanna started it.
Reasons women (and men) stay with abusers.
There are many reasons why certain people choose to stay with those who physically abuse them and I am not claiming to be an expert or have knowledge of all the reasons, but let's examine a few, okay?- I have nowhere else to go. This is irrelevant in Rihanna's case. Her family (at least her father) has come out to speak on her behalf, she undoubtedly has friends and at the very least could depend on her manager to find her a safe place to dwell in. She has amassed more money in her short career than most of us will in our lifetimes. She does not have to worry about starving or freezing if she does not go back and live with him (if she was previously).
- I can't leave my children. She has no children with him. There is a rumor, probably false, that she is pregnant with his child, but again, she has more than enough resources to not need Chris Brown for support. When it comes to abuse, the cause, whatever it may be, is rooted in the abuser and not the victim. Do you really want the same man who hits you to have access to your children?
- But I love him. That may be true. But do you love yourself? If you do, then you need to GTHO of that relationship. Transfer that to your daughter. You love your daughter, would you want her to stay with an abusive man? If not, then why subject yourself to the same? Are you somehow worth less than she is?
- I'm afraid of him coming after me. This is a tangible fear and certainly one I can understand. But in Rihanna's case, again, she has enough resources to get away and protect herself. (I'm sure Jay-Z could hook her up with some bodyguards with a kung fu grip.) Without anonymity to protect him, there is no way Chris Brown could ever touch her again...unless she gives him the opportunity to.
- Jesus doesn't want me to get a divorce. Jesus also doesn't want to read about your murder on TMZ.com.
I'm not judging women (and men) in the general population who choose to stay with abusers. It is never a cut-and-dry situation with an easy escape. Some victims feel enslaved to the bond of codependency and are unable to break out of it while some simply are not aware of the exit strategies that are out there. It is a sad and unfortunate case all around from which some people cannot bring themselves out of. But if there was ever a person who could break out of it and be an example, it is Rihanna. A young and beautiful woman with the Midas touch at the crest of her career, Rihanna is adored and is a role model--whether by intention or not--for millions of young girls and is on her way to developing a music empire. Beyond any emotional attachment, she has no need to be dependent upon Chris Brown for anything.
In the aftermath of her fight with Chris Brown, Rihanna had the opportunity to step up and show all the women and young girls in the world that they don't have to lie down and take it when a man physically abuses them, but in choosing to reconcile with a man who beat and threatened to kill her, she has unwittingly told them all that it is okay to give a free pass to a man that hits you. And for that, Rihanna is an epic fail.You deserve better, Rihanna, and so do all victims of domestic violence.
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Here is a website that has a list of resources for victims of abuse:
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/help/dv.htm
For Asian women here is a site that has translators available:
http://www.nyawc.org----------
Don't forget to vote Quest! (See post below.) Have a great and SAFE week, everyone.
Comments (19)
everyone should be popped in the face if they're acting stupid.
@korean_biyatch - LOL i totally agree w/ you on that one. but damn... he makes a good point. do you love yourself? i suppose i dont love myself enough right now. damnit!
I dunno, if a woman kicked me in the jewels hard enough, it will illicit a very, VERY violent response.
well written. great post. gotta recommend this.
YES!! dont forget to vote for quest!!!
i agree with you on this.
i would say that there is only little circumstances in which a man could hit a woman...
Role model or not, she's still human. I imagine it's pretty hard to deal with something so personal and hurtful with the whole world watching. This is still very recent, perhaps she just need a minute to get herself together before taking proper actions.
Rihanna is just dumb. Plain and simple.
domestic violence is a difficult problem. when a victim of dv is under the influence of their abuser, it is a very difficult cycle to break. their abuser has made their victim feel worse about themselves and the only way for that cycle of power to break, is if they have enough support and find it within themselves to break out of that cycle. it is very unfortunate that rihanna's abuse has been so public, but as an outsider, to judge her and to demean her certainly won't help her self esteem as we all hope victims find a way to break out of their cycle.
peace!
That last reason made me chuckle a bit.
I've witnessed abuse and you're pretty much spot on with it all. Chris Brown's long gone. Sayoonara, dude.
p.s. Quest Crew, ftw!
AMEN! A to the MEN ...or AM to the EN...;)
seriously though, its so true--no matter which way you spin it his actions are not justifiable (i had heard that some people --callers on this one radio station-- were saying "well what did SHE do to make him do that?" and it just baffled me, that people miss the fundamental fact that we each have a brain (i hope) connected to our bodies, therefore we each have a choice on how to respond..and regardless of what she yelled shouted whatever, the bottom line is nothing warrants that kind of violence.
BWS is a very difficult situation, and I hope Rihanna has enough love for herself to leave that punk soon. I don't know what caused the fight, but Chris Brown needs to get his ass handed to him by someone his own size. What a pansy.
@baobabie - When are you getting married? Mooga!
@franksabunch - HAhah what a question!;) well heh i believe sometime in 2010/2011 (waiting for fwet to graduate...then aghhh need to do wedding planning which i am intimidated by, due to the infinite number of vendors etc in this million/billion dollar industry...i just want fantastic food...) MOoogarooonie! they should make a pasta called that, moogaroonie...shaped like cows with black and white spots
I took a domestic violence law course and I did a few domestic violence cases back as a prosecutor. Those are sad and difficult to handle. So many variables...
as always... well said Frank! I have two daughters and if any guy ever laid a hand on them, I'd be on death row for taking a life or two.
the "but I love him" answer that some of these women give will always be a mystery to me.
always.
btw, did you get my message regarding the "four on four?"
I can't understand why she is back with him. I heard that one the radio one morning and thought the djs were messing with us. Though, I could see her reasoning if this is the first time that it won't happen again. She still shouldn't have gone back with him, though.
Is there ever a time when it is okay to hit a woman? Why does it always stop to such narrow parameters?
The answers in the argument of Yes and No are myriad.
Why not just ask if there should ever be a time when one individual gives reason for another individual to find the need or motivation to strike them?
Comments are closed.