February 24, 2009
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My wife is a chimpanzee.
The other day I had an unforgettable conversation with The Wife™:
F.bunch™: I read more on that chimpanzee who attacked the woman. Its owner shared baths and her bed with it.
The Wife™: Gross.
F.bunch™: The victim got jacked up, might need a face transplant. You know, chimpanzees usually go after the face and the balls.
The Wife™: Face and the balls? Just like me when attack you! So you have a chimpanzee too!
[Before I lose all my revelife subscribers, let me clarify that this post has nothing to do with sex. Carrying on…]
And you know what? She’s right! I was bamboozled. When I first met The Wife™ I thought she was this very sweet and innocent wahine who couldn’t harm a fly, but after we were together I soon learned that she was quite the opposite. She loves to attack me. Examples:
- I’ll be lying on the bed or sitting in a chair watching TV when she’ll quietly saunter up with a loving look on her face before suddenly screaming, “HAI-YAH!” and swing her fist at my cradle of life, stopping just three centimeters from sterility
- Arranging the pillows and blankets to make it look like she’s sleeping underneath and when I come close to the bed she’ll jump out from behind and grab me
- Threatening to give me a donggjim in public (if you don’t know what that is, trust me when I tell you not to ask)
- The two-finger eye poke (think horizontal peace sign) if we’re in each other’s personal space
- Turning off the lights when I enter a room and play ninja, waiting to scare me
I often complain to her, asking for “more tenderness…less tenderizing,” but she’ll merely respond that she’s just making sure that I’m alive. Since I’m usually even-keeled and very calm (especially at work), she does these types of things to get a reaction out of me. Think of it as Chinese water torture, but perpetrated by a Korean girl instead. (The inhumanity of it all!)
As it is quite diametrically opposed to who I am, I used to get really irritated and shake my head at her. Why couldn’t she be more similar to me and just chill?! But with time I learned the lesson that in relationships, synergy is more important than similarities. Think about it. We often have checklists to see if potential partners have “things in common” with us, but is that what healthy and growing relationships are about? If I wanted to be with someone similar to myself, I’d just stay single. It’s cheaper and I get to eat as much rice as I want!
Being from Hawaii, I’ve always been pretty mellow and while we weren’t exactly ballers (since my ‘rents came to America as poor immigrants), I never suffered as the son of a doctor growing up nor failed at anything (‘cept asking girls out). As a result, I’ve never really been one to delve in confrontations or have a sense of urgency with my life. I’ve never needed or had that hunger to drive me. Although that has been nice, I realize that as a result I’m a bit too blasé at times and instead of fighting for what I want, I often resort to passive-aggressiveness, bathing in the contentment that comes with knowing that you are right and they are wrong. The Wife™? Life was a lot tougher for her and she’s had to depend only on herself. What was straight and narrow for me was fraught with trapdoors and the discontentment that accompanies promises lost. As a result, she is now one of the toughest people that I know and will stand and fight to defend her own. “No one messes with my blood,” she’ll tell me with a wink before she strides out to fight for me.
So instead of trying to find our similarities, I’ve come to embrace our differences, because those are what spur us to grow to become better people, with myself becoming more vocal and stronger, and herself realizing that sometimes she can just let go and not depend on solely herself, because I’m here for her, my chimpanzee, until the day that I die.
Just make sure you keep stopping at least three centimeters from sterility, okay, honey?
Have a great week!
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In no way, shape or form is this post meant to poke fun at the chimpanzee incident. I wish the victim the best in her recovery.
Comments (21)
I cracked up reading this b.c it's so similar to MY marriage HAHAHA! I guess we Korean women all have that "secret ninja" wanting to come out
i should try some of these antics with my husband. no, maybe not. your wife is probably not an oldest child, right?
That's way cute. She has inspired me to have fun playing pranks with my hubby when I get married. :p Best of luck to him.
I lurve your wifey. She's awesome. Tell her I need to take some lessons from her, haha.
i <3 your wifey.
my husband hates to be tickled in the side but i do it routinely just to keep him healthy and happy and on his toes. that, and i love to hear him giggle like a schoolgirl.
ah... no need for a bodyguard, you got a Korean wife!
Those were swings of affection. Sir.
ur wife sounds adorable!
You are hilarious. And your wife's punchiness is refreshing, as most Christian women are not nearly so fun. I'd like to be her friend.
You're lucky - who'd want a boring wife, anyway? (Actually, I wouldn't want a wife in the first place, but you know what I mean..) One that keeps you on your toes has to be more fun
i wonder if foofie feels that way about me...haha
it's always such a joy to read your blogs.
and i love your endless quotable quotes!
"...this post has nothing to do with sex."
dude i was cracking up cause that's the mindset i had coming into reading this post...
thanks for the disclaimor...so...your wife attacks your face and balls huh....nice.
i bet that will keep the marriage going for years to come. *wink. LOL
when you coming back to NYC for some SIU LOUNG BAO time MAN!!!
Awwww...
although... I'd probably wouldn't react as casually and would try to find a perfect moment to get back at her. heh heh.
A ninja wife-how 'awesome' is that. I think a lot of your female readers are getting ideas! Maybe not a good thing for the guys. haha.
Really great point you have there. My husband and I are quite different, as well. My husband is a real goofball and knows how to make me laugh. As a result, I've learned to be a little more loose and just have fun instead of taking things so seriously all the time. Sure, we have a lot of things in common. But it's definitely the different things we bring to the table that enrich the relationship that much more.
Enjoy the playfulness, it's a sign of security!
"stopping just three centimeters from sterility"
Hahaha, I found that line a crack-up! XD
She sounds wonderful... and so do her karate chops and kicks.
your wife sounds like my sister in law. i <3 it that she fights for my brother and kids.
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