November 12, 2008

• Xanga Theme Songs.

  On election night I watched Obama’s acceptance speech and saw the emotions and hope splattered across the faces of the audience and thought…  What’s missing?  A theme song!  I thought it would’ve been perfect at the acceptance speech if Obama had LL Cool J come out and rap, “I’m gonna knock you out.  Obama said knock you out!  Don’t call it a comeback!”  (I wish I could say that I came up with this on my own, but I saw the “Obama said knock you out” on a t-shirt 6 months ago.)  For McCain, I think an appropriate song for election night would’ve been, “Grandpa got run over by a reindeer,” with the reindeer being—who else?—Sarah Palin.  But all this got me thinking…why don’t xangans have theme songs?  I’ve gotten to know a lot of xangans over the years, so here are some songs I think that fit them well.

  PetiteTokyo.  “Because I’m a girl,” by Kiss.   Why?  Because dongseng is a worthy girl looking for worthy love from a man who will be honest, noble, caring…and willing to cut his eyes out for her.  Korean women are cuuuuurraaaaazy!  (I should know, I married one!)

  LA2SF_HWY.  “Insane in the membrane,” by Cypress Hill.  Why?  Because this person is flat out nuts.  As in Jack Nicholson Cuckoo's Nest nuts.  Reading his/her site is like following the stream of consciousness of someone who is oxygen deprived and snorting sriracha hot sauce.  (I got aloha for you, homie, I just don’t understand you!)

  SwB.  “Anything,” by SWV.  Why?  When I first saw her xanga name I thought she was just another bimbo flashing her body for eprops.  However, I discovered that in addition to being SwB she’s actually quite articulate and well read.  I cracked up when I learned the reason why she created SwB.  (Sorry, I can’t tell you.)  She has her share of admirers who will do anything for her, but the main reason why this song fits is if you tilt your head the right way you can just hear Method Man introducing her, “KABOOM, guess who stepped in the room?  The S-S-Double-Double-U-to-the-B!” at the 3:00 mark. 

  Whonose.“It’s raining men,” by the Weather Girls.  Why?  Do you even have to ask?  Whonose is the most famous xangan from the other side of the pond (who probably invests more effort into posts than the rest of us)!  I think this guy must be SAS, otherwise how in the world does he spend all his time traveling the globe AND have good dental hygiene?

  korean_biyatch.  "p.i.m.p." by 50 cent.  Why?  Yatch has had my back since day 1 (long story) and she has always kept the pimp hand way strong. 

  Ibizajb.  “Thong song,” by Sisqo.  Why?  I’ve seen his nekkid butt more than my own!

  TheBlackSpiderman. “Ante up,” by M.O.P.  (The best rap song ever recorded, IMHO.)  Why?  Spidey subscribed to me a few years ago and I thought he was just another regular guy on xanga and then all of a sudden—huzzah!—I woke up and discovered that his blog blew up and homie stole all of our eprops!  The scoundrel!

  Kbabe44.  "Party ain't a party," by Queen Pen.  Why?  I don't think I've seen a post where this wahine isn't tearing up the SoCal clubs.  (I think she singlehandedly kept Le Prive in business for a couple years!)  What?  You can't see because you're not on her protected list?  No soup for you! 

  JonasApproved. “Straight out of Canton,” by The Notorious MSG.  Why?  Jonas can hook you up with all the best Chinatown eats in SF…he also bears an uncanny resemblance to group member Down Lo Mein from the biceps to the jeri curls.  (J/K about the jeri curls part.  Maybe.)

  Winspark.  "Coconut Girl," by Brother Noland.  Why?  Winspark has always been an island girl trapped in the high fashion world of Manhattan.  Hurry up and move to Hawaii, 'Spark.  The shave ice in NYC just doesn't cut it!

  Chinkzilla. “No handlebars,” by FloBot.  Why?  CZ is a Kaba Modern-grade dancer.  Film producer.  Iron chef of Chinese food.  Photographer.  Supporter of Taiwanese independence.  Is there anything this guy can’t do?  Can he fix Medicare for us?  Can he teach The Franksabunch™ some lateral movement on the dance floor?

  Weezguy.  "Thriller," by MJ.  Like I've said before, Weezguy is the only person on xanga trying to simultaneously save and destroy the world with his annual halloween costumes.  Anyone who will dress up as a pregnant hula dancer is tres frijoles short of a full burrito! 

  Edit: Jigg.  "Hey Ladies," by the Beastie Boys.  Why?  Jigg is smooth, man.  He has the looks, charm and Brooklyn swagger...and based on his profile pic looks like he's ready to give a prostate exam with his left hand.  (Haha!  J/K, man.)  Keep this guy away from your wahines, homies, otherwise they won't be yours anymore.

  And here are some theme songs for all the xanga sites that are proliferating like nuclear arms on the Russian-NATO border:

  • Momaroo: "Billie Jean," by MJ because we all know who momaroo is, but what about popparoo?
  • Datingish: "Poison," by Bell Biv Devoe because the best dating advice is to never trust a big butt and a smile.
  • Healthkicker: "Ya Mama (so fat)," by the Pharcyde because you can always blame it on bad genes (and the fact that ya mama got a peg-leg, with a kickstand) instead of the ultimate cheeseburger and curly fries you just ate.  (Just kidding, The Franksabunch™ always encourages exercise, responsible eating and avoiding people who don't wear deodorant to promote a healthy lifestyle.)
  • Dollarish: "C.R.E.A.M." by the Wu-Tang Clan, because while cash rules everything around me, I'm ruled by The Wife™ (hey, I ain't gon tell no lie).
  • Lovelyish: "If you wanna be happy," by Jimmy Soul, because learning how to cook can always make up for your bad aesthetics!  Seriously, people...beauty fades.  Chicken katsu donburi Love is forever.
  • Revelife: "I will always love you," by Whitney Houston.  Yes, Revelife, we've had our ups and downs, but keep fighting the good fight.

  So what's your theme song?

  My apologies.  I wanted to do more for the xanga peeps I’ve known since back in the day (as a shout out to everyone who's made xanga fun for me, since my blogging days are winding down) but I’m studying for my boards.  Have a great week and big ups to the veterans out there who have served us honorably!

  Franksabunch™...keepin' it real and evidence based since 2004...out!  Have a great week!

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  Congrats to Obama.  I will stay true to my word.  Even though I didn’t vote for him, I will hope and wish the best for him and his family as he leads our country for the next 4 years.  (Just pwetty pweeeeze leave widows like Nancy Reagan out of your next press conference!)

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  As part of The Wife™'s quest to convert me from a Half-Awesome-Half-Taiwanese-from-Hawaii boy into a Korean, she's been making me watch Korean movies.  (I draw the line at Korean soap operas...double decka hecka no!)  For those of you who are fans of kim chi cinema, check out this blog article about Hollywood remakes of Korean movies.  Will Smith getting jigae with it as Oh Dae Su from Old Boy?  Worst. Idea. Ever.  It's like casting Jean Claude Van Damme to play the lead in a romantic comedy.  I would, however, like to see Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and their 2 buddies in Good Will Hunting remake Guns & Talk.  And I think Angelina Jolie (or Grace Park) would make a perfect Geumja in Sympathy for Lady Vengeance.  Oh, and if you're squeamish, I would avoid Old Boy.  It's more disturbing than Saw I or Seven.

  • 10:56 am
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