May 28, 2008
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Googlie Eyes.
So the other day The Franksabunch™ and The Wife™ are shopping at the 99 Ranch near Berzerkeley and we separate so I can go to my section (meat) and she can go to hers (fruits and vegetables). Later on she comes up to me and says, “there’s this white guy following me around, smirking and staring at my booty!” It turns out this guy was giving her the googlie eyes.
Oohhhhh.....you so pretttttyyyyyyyy....
It being 99 Ranch, only 5% of the shoppers were Caucasian, 1% being us, and the rest being Chinese people with flat butts (I’m sorry, young hustla, but the truth must be told!), so I figured it wouldn’t be hard to find the BootyPeeping Tom. However, of the 3 other white males we ran into later, none were the offending miscreant. Me thunketh that once he saw her walk up to me that he made like Google stock and split. Good thing for him, because I had some verbal projectiles I was going to send his way…
- I’m sorry, sir, but Yellow Fever is actually stocked in aisle 12.
- Welcome to Ranch 99…how about a serving of kung POW chicken? *fist of Thor upside the cranium* (Just kidding, children, The Franksabunch™ does not condone violence.)
- Jesus loves you, even though I don’t. *Single-leg takedown and rear-naked choke*
Now, look…I’m a man. I understand. When we cross paths with an attractive wahine, it’s only natural to notice. Two-second googlie eyes are one thing, but smirking and stalking are another. For women, googlie eyes are like a meeting with David Hasselhoff, cool for the first few seconds, but sketchy and gross if it lasts any longer.
Don't Hassel the Hoff...or else he'll show his chest afro again. (If there is any justice in this world, the dog pooped on him.)
But what about men? How do we feel when we get the googlie eyes from women? Back in college there was this girl who would always give me the elevator eyes when we’d see each other at our group gatherings. Did I enjoy it? Honestly...yes! She was this pretty hapa girl who had a BF but couldn’t resist giving me the googlie eyes. In retrospect the fact that she had a BF should’ve bothered me, but growing up I never—nor currently ever—considered myself as being physically attractive, so the number of times (I can count on one hand, even if you cut off a couple fingers) I got the googlie eyes I thought, “wow, maybe I’m not so repulsive after all.”
(Or perhaps I am and that big booger sticking out of my nose just topped it all off.)
It’s all relative, I imagine. Had all those googlie eyes in the past not come from bootiful hapa wahines but instead from those simian armpit women who live near Haight & Ashbury, I probably would’ve run home, exfoliated myself with an SOS pad and hid in the closet with a bottle of Jack. As someone who is no longer single, there is no particular joy to be had from being the victim of googlie eyes, so, in a sense, all women except for my wife have developed simian armpits. I still recognize beauty when I see it, but I really get no ego boosts from female attention.
Nowadays the only googlie eyes that matter are from my wife, which is usually a mixture of bemusement and horror whenever she catches me trying to Kaba Modern in our apartment or purposely singing the “$5 footlong” Subway song out of tune or in arpeggio fashion. And you know what? I’m okay with that.
So the moral of the story? Googlie eyes can sometimes be unavoidable, but be respectful to the wahines, young hustlas. Don’t linger or stalk them. (For the wahines, the googlie eyes can be an important tool if you want to score a free drink at the club.) And Mr. Pervert-Following-My-Wife-Around-99-Ranch? I forgive you this time, homie, but do it again and I’m going to tap you out with a banana split.
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Have a great rest of the week!
Edit: I posted this youtube video a loooooong time ago. It turns out this guy was hired to be one of the new American Gladiators. Wow! I guess youtube is good for something after all!
Edit 2: I can't believe they didn't send Lisa home on Top Chef! Gah!
Comments (40)
I always say just look out of acknowledgment, and then move on.
Dr. Frank, I went to Waikiki Beach a few weeks ago and loved it!
I have a big ass :-/
heh that reminds me. on my honeymoon last year i was walking past two white guys and one guy says to the other out loud while staring at me said something to the effect of "i love asian women" but it was way more crass than that. and my gut reaction was not to feel complimented but the strong urge to clock him in the face.
only i didn't because that would be resulted in laughter as opposed to making a point.
my husband though, he would have totally knocked him out had he been around. one of the few times i'd want him to beat the crap out of someone.
LA face with the Oakland booty.
Should have planted a big one on her in the store, and then copped a feel!
I is just kidding. =)
hahahah you're the man, dr franks
Ok I was reading your entry then BAM.. Hoff in right in mah face mang.. wassupp?
5 dollar footlongggg
Hahaha... great. Now the young'uns know!
^_^
That rear choke hold looks painful.
o_O*
AND I REMEMBER SEEING THAT URBAN NINJA VIDEO!!!!!!!!!!
=D
Damn it all - my urge to learn to do a backflip is back... MOTIVATION.
Hahahahaha......
*sigh*
I'm going to have to give it time.
Fockers.
RYC: Hahaha.. thanks. Let's switch desks.
That can't be all you're doing since you've been married.
How long have you been married for?
o_O*
i googlie eye people when warranted.
OMG, whhhhhhy would David Hasselhof take a picture like that. For the love of all that is good, why!!!
my fckin brain died tomorrow. but i got two backup ones!
You're a good husband. : )
Ranch 99 used to have their people wear these goofy caps- Ranch 99- For 100 we try harder!
hahaha
Those pics are freaking me out. So nasty. I don't think I'll have a good sleep tonight. Thanks. Talking about stalking...what are you doing in my neighborhood?
As a wife and a girl who sometimes gets unwarranted attention I am SO glad you went looking for the booty checker! My husband usually slides up next to me and PDAs me in the event of another male checking me out. Not like sucking my face PDA but enough for any stray guy to get the hint that this 220lb man is protective of me. I like to be protected as I am sure does your wife. Way to be her man and way to educate those others out there that need the advice!
dude, that's just nasty.
i find it hard to believe you gained a married 30. but perhaps that is just an extreme compliment to your wife who sounds like she must be good at cooking.
o0o0 i wanna see ur wife ^_^... but yeah, those are creepy >.<
You should be flattered that guys are checking your wife out like that. It means her beauty must be universal instead of just limited to your vision...!
You should add this story to the Hollaback San Francisco blog.
AWW!! your post makes me wanna get HITCHED
"fist of thor"?
dude you CRACk me up. I was so glad to get a post from you in my subscriptions.
I really hope that dog pooped on him-- it looks unhappy.
Hasselhoff = agghhh! *closes eyes* At first it looks like he's got some sort of wrinkly tumor growing on him O_o
I don't think I've ever appreciated getting stares; and booty stares are the worst! It's like - my eyes are up here, and on the other side...
googlie eyes are fine by me as long as it doesnt include stalking. i once had this guy follow me onto a train. he was good looking, but also creepy as hell. i felt like letting him walk into a wall the size and shape of my fist.
hiya there!.. so this is you who ricedaddy has mentioned lol..
Formerly the formerjunkie/theconspicuousbrunette.
ryc: Yeah I could see that being an uncomfortable conversation for you to be in.
heh i really enjoyed reading this entry
i totally agree. i think lisa should have gone home. and i think dale should be in her spot. btw, i chose family med. will start soon. r u done?
"For women, googlie eyes are like a meeting with David Hasselhoff, cool for the first few seconds, but sketchy and gross if it lasts any longer. "
I would agree with that.
you're right about lingering googlie eyes.. too much is just.... too much! haha. you get to take her home, spend the rest of your lives together.. and he gets to give her googlie eyes at 99 ranch. i think you win. plus, you can give her googlie eyes whenever you want!
hilarious.
regarding the ring, you've got great taste, mr! 
the entry below was also very cute.
please take off that david picture. it's so grossssssss!
googlie eyes are awesome to receive...i guess i have had the same experiences you have
re top chef:
if lisa doesnt get sent this time, i am going to have severely diminished faith in the program. She has been on about 4 episodes too many. Who is your pick to win?
LOL funnies
I wanted to hit on someone at a 99 Ranch in San Diego one time, but it wasn't The Wife. And I didn't. But I wanted to.
Just came here from Revelife. I loved the story. Way to stand up for your woman.
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